Last week a friend of mine posted on facebook one of the greatest understandings of self worth I have ever seen.
She referred to the saying many of us have been told, read about and maybe even said to others: “Treat others like you would want to be treated.”
What was exceptional about her post was she moved beyond the quote, expanding and enhancing the meaning to incorporate a deeper appreciation of self respect and self worth.
“Treat yourself like you want to be treated. Show people an example of what you will or won’t accept.”
On the surface this may sound like a minor adjustment. It sounds almost the same…but it’s not.
We are often so busy thinking of others, prioritising their wants and needs we forget about our own. The focus is on other people, not ourselves.
Does that make us selfless?
Does balancing the focus to include ourselves make us selfish?
How do people decide how to treat you? Is it how they themselves want to be treated? Is it what they can get away with? Is it how you treat them? Do you set the tone?
If we lose ourselves thinking about other people, prioritising ourselves last is it then understandable why other people will do the same?
So what’s the solution?
If we start thinking about what we need for ourselves and acting upon it, whilst also taking into consideration other people, I don’t see that as selfless or selfish. To me, that’s self care – an essential component for a happy and healthy life.
If you want others to respect you, learn to respect yourself. If you want compassion, learn to demonstrate self compassion. If you want kindness, learn to show yourself kindness, understanding, empathy….the list goes on.
When was the last time you did something for yourself? This could be anything from reading the paper or a magazine with a cup of coffee, having a relaxing bath, going to a gym class or for a walk, meeting friends to have a catch up and a laugh?
If we act on what we need we are paving the way to show other people how we want to be treated. People aren’t mind readers and as much as we wish they would just “get it” they often don’t. Maybe they try to, maybe they don’t but we can’t blame them for not intuitively knowing.
If other people see you looking after your needs they are more likely to respect your actions and start considering your needs as well as their own. The better care you take of yourself the higher the bar you are setting and people will start to respect that standard. The opposite is also true. If you always put your needs last others are more likely to do the same. You are teaching them that’s what you want and what you expect.
Something to reflect on – what standards do you have for how people treat you? How did you decide what is and isn’t acceptable? How did you convey those standards to other people? Do you treat others as you wish to be treated? Do you allow others to treat you better or worse than they treat themselves?
Contact me if you would like help deciding what your standards are and how to implement them.
Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.