Blog

“I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat.”

6 words… 6 little words and there was no going back.

Shock… Horror… Disappointment… Disbelief… Devastation.

It was the 12 week scan and my partner and I had been feeling hopeful. I was slightly apprehensive about the health checks to make sure the baby was healthy and no abnormalities but more hopeful than anxious. My partner wasn’t concerned in the slightest, he really believed everything would turn out just like we wanted it to. If only…

We went for a scan at 9 weeks and there it was, the happiest, healthiest, strongest little heartbeat. We were elated. Everything looked perfect and the relief, the pure joy and the excitement was indescribable. So when I heard those 6 words my brain wanted to argue “No that cannot be. That’s not what’s meant to happen. This cannot be the way the story ends.”

With no warning signs and still experiencing strong pregnancy symptoms it was hard to process that I’d experienced a missed miscarriage. I’d read a lot about miscarriage over those 10 weeks and from the CBT training I’d done, I knew the percentages and being high risk already at 37 with M.E and heredity high blood pressure I had accepted these things can happen… Or at least I thought I had.

What followed was a blur of nurses, the registrar, the consultant and waiting in between… Lots of waiting. Walking out those hospital doors everything was different. Had it really only been 3 hours since we had walked in with a spring in our step full of happiness and excitement?!

I’ve done lots of specialised training on grief, infertility and baby loss so I thought I knew what to expect. As a very pragmatic person I thought I knew what would come next. I wasn’t prepared for the hormones, the body changes and the grief.

Grief… Such a small word for such an all consuming experience. The devastation, hopelessness and heartbreak was more than I could ever have imagined. The physiological sense of loss, that part of me was missing, that part of me was gone forever. The emotional pain and emptiness. The psychological battle between denial and reality. The uncontrollable tears. The lack of motivation and enjoyment in doing anything. The insomnia.

Experiencing shared grief is a double edged sword. Having someone share that pain, share that loss and know how you feel was really comforting. Words were often not needed because we just understood. Sometimes there aren’t any words there is just a depth of pain and the only thing that can make the moment more bearable is having the person you love wrap their arms around you and hold you. Also true is how challenging it is when you are grieving in different ways, at different times. A chasm opens up and you can feel so distant from each other, so alone. Patience and compassion can be hard to find when you are grieving and yet to support each other you need to dig deeper until you do.

As a CBT Psychotherapist practicing what I preach was harder than I would have liked but then the whole experience was harder than I would have liked. I read a post a week afterwards which I really resonated with:

“I miss me.

The old me.

The happy me.

The bright me.

The smiling me.

The laughing me.

The gone me.”

Reading this gave me permission to accept the reality of how I was feeling. It gave me permission to grieve whilst acknowledging I didn’t want to be grieving, I wanted my happy life back. What also helped was a post I read that said (I’m paraphrasing): when your heart breaks into tiny pieces it heals one tiny piece at a time. That really helped me to accept the grieving process would take time but eventually the wound would heal and although it would always be there it wouldn’t cause me the same depth of pain.

Of all the important things happening in the world today I want to talk about my plant, more specifically my amaryllis. You see, my amaryllis is very similar to people and so maybe there is a lesson in this.

My amaryllis is beginning to bloom. It’s beginning to open up and look beautiful. When all four flowers open at the same time it’s going to look exquisite. Every year I get one and each year I can’t help but marvel how it’s possible that something so tall and delicate looking can support such massive beauty. When friends and family see it they greatly admire how lovely it looks and yet no one ever asks how did it get to look like that, what was involved.

So let me tell you. It requires a lot!

It was potted up in December and for a number of weeks it lived in the dark in my garage. A few times I’d peek inside to check on it and my reward was… well, nothing, I could see nothing. No shoots, no growth, no evidence of life or progress. And yet the progress was all under the soil. The growth was there, it was happening daily and yet my eyes couldn’t see it. Lesson 1, just because you can’t see it, just because it isn’t tangible for you to touch doesn’t mean progress and growth isn’t happening. Maybe it’s occurring under the surface, on the inside.

Eventually after what felt like months but was more like weeks I was able to witness it was alive and well. Hooray! At this point it gets moved inside and positioned next to my living room window ledge.

Every few days I turn it 180 degrees so it doesn’t lean towards the light. I want it to grow straight so it’s eventually able to support the exquisite, large, heavy flowers. If I forget the plant reminds me by leaning at what looks like an impossible angle. The plant is doing what is best for its survival, it’s trying to flourish and to do that it’s following the light. Every so often it needs to be watered. Too much water and I kill it. Too little water and I kill it. It is a balance, like everything in life. The plant will give signs it’s needs are not being met. At no point do I blame the plant for needing light or water. At no point do I blame it for wilting or leaning because its needs aren’t being met. Even when all its needs are met and the plant is truly flourishing it can grow so tall it can no longer support its own weight and needs a stick to support it, to ground it.

Lesson 2, if people’s needs in life aren’t met they will begin to wilt and lean until they eventually topple over. Society has a habit of blaming the person for wilting and leaning. People have a tendency of focusing on someone’s flaws or areas not up to perfection. Instead, we could be asking what does this person need to stand tall, what support or help? What form of stick do they need so they can support themselves? Its not our role in life to save people, however, we can help them to save themselves.

Last week I looked at my amaryllis which consisted of a ridiculously long stalk and two smaller stalks and no flowers and thought “why aren’t you ready to flower yet?” I didn’t get an answer but the truth is, it simply wasn’t ready yet, the variables weren’t ready for my desired outcome. Yesterday, the first flower started to open. I already know its going to be so beautiful it will make me smile on the inside and out. I just have to wait. I just have to be patient. When it has everything it needs it will flourish.

I’ve found this to be true of my clients. When they learn to identify what their needs are, which aren’t bring met and how they can be met, they flourish. This goes for all aspects of life. We flourish when we are ready but in the background there is a lot of hard work going on. This often isn’t witnessed so people don’t recognise or understand its happening but just because you didn’t hear the tree fall in the forest doesn’t mean it fell silently. Stop judging people’s progress by what you consider the end result to be, the present moment. This is a single moment during the process and for them maybe it’s the early stages, the stages in the garage where growth and development can’t be seen. Instead of judging what can be seen you could ask yourself or them what do they need to help support themselves more easily. You don’t need to do it for them, help them do it for themselves.

When my amaryllis finally blooms it will be my plants magnificent accomplishment. Yes I assisted in helping it get what it required but all the growing, developing and success is on the plant. Just like with people.

And so it blooms – after taking over three months! Well worth it in every way.

Hogmanay is a time for many to reflect on the year gone by and plan for the year to come.

Some questions to ponder:

• What have I learned about myself this year?
• What have I learned about the world?
• What do I want to start or finish in 2021?
• In what areas of my life do I need more support?

This year I have learned I am not good at stepping back when I am passionate about something. Even when I’m tired and really need a break before I collapse I’m full steam ahead. I also learned my resilience can still surprise me when times are challenging. Yes I have moments when I feel helpless and lost. Yes there are times I can’t see the path ahead and wonder if I’m not even on a path but accidentally walking in circles around a roundabout! Nevertheless, those moments are fleeting and my resolve to keep going makes me proud.

This year I learned the world has many, many, many wonderful people in it. People who look out for their community and make an extra effort to help others. There is kindness and compassion everywhere if you choose to look hard enough. If you look to find disappointment you will find it. If you look to find generosity, compassion, loyalty and opportunities you will find it.

2021 is going to be the year I reignite my creativity. I love crafts but never ever make time for it. 2021 is going to be the year it no longer takes a back seat. Knitting, glass painting, stone pictures and goodness knows what else! 2020 wasn’t the year I prioritised myself or my hobbies like so many others. That can only last for so long before things start to fray at the seams.

Wishing you the very best for 2021! May it be everything you wish it to be.

Vincent van Gogh is one of the most renowned and influential painters in the hisory of Western art. And yet he sold only ONE painting whilst he was alive.

Van Gogh used peasants and farmers as models and then flowers, landscapes and himself because he was too poor to pay his subjects. In just over 10 years he produced 2,100 artworks and 860 paintings.

Van Gogh not only battled poverty but also a lifetime of depression and mental illness. At the age of 37 van Gogh is believed to have shot himself in the stomach, dying 2 days later. 

Starry Night, arguably his most famous work, was painted in an asylum at Saint-Remy-de-Provence, France. It is believed to be worth well over $100 million not to mention the love, pleasure, joy and inspiration people experience by simply looking at it.

What can you take away from this?

Be careful how you assess your worth, your value and your contribution to the world. Be careful who you decide defines your worth and value.

Sometimes it feels like we don’t matter or your life has no purpose or meaning. The world wouldn’t be a worse off place without you in it. You would be wrong.

You do matter. You do have value. Every day you have the opportunity to make the world a better place.

Simply holding the door open for someone, offering a smile or helping a neighbour with their bin makes their day better. Don’t ever lose sight of how important you are to this world. You don’t need to be a painter to make the world a more beautiful place.

It’s common to hear people say they were going to do something they really wanted to BUT….

The “but” word has a lot to answer for! It stops people doing what they truly want to do…BUT it doesn’t have to!

On this day last year I awoke to an incredible sunrise overlooking Loch Ness.

What a sight! Opening the tent and thinking wow!

The beginning of the story, however, was filled with lots of “BUT” thoughts.

The forecast for the day was heavy rain every hour all day and night. Looking out the window of the living room confirmed it was a miserable day. I had read it was a muddy path all the way to the summit of Meall Fuar-Mhonaidh and with the heavy rain all day it wasn’t going to make for a pleasant walk in.

• I had never wild camped before.

• I have never been camping alone before.

• I had never camped on a hillside before.

• I had never walked with all my camping gear on my back before.

• I had never done the walk before.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of anxious thoughts dive bombing about in my head – for starters, am I mad?

That day I decided I wasn’t going to say “I really wanted to do my first solo wild camp but…”. Instead I was going to say “I really wanted to do my first solo wild camp so I did”.

And so off I went!

Believe me, it was heavier than it looked!

You can see Meall Fuar-Mhonaidh in the distance… Not looking like the weather was going to be particularly enjoyable.

I can still remember how I felt on the walk in – ecstatic, free, proud and empowered.

It rained the whole walk in. It rained the entire time I put the tent up. It rained all evening. I couldn’t have been happier! I was wild camping! Solo wild camping! I had done it! Words cannot express how happy I felt. Cookie, my dog, stole my camp mat very early on and so I spent the night on the tent floor, with no insulation or protection from the stones and prickly heather. It didn’t matter, not in the slightest. I felt on top of the world.

The next morning, just as the forecast had predicted, it was glorious, clear sky and sunshine. 

The final walk to the summit blew my mind. Not in my wildest dreams could I have hoped for a better view.

If I had waited for the perfect weather I would have missed the opportunity. 12 days later, totally out of the blue, my adventure buddy Cookie died. You never know how many opportunities you will have in life. Lots of people look back and think “if only I had just gone for it”. Sadly, we can’t rewind the clock and make “if only’s” a reality. All we can do is seize the moment when we can.

If there is something you want to do, make it happen. Do it. If there are obstacles in your way find solutions or a compromise. Don’t let the word “but” come between you and the things that matter to you. 

There are a lot of scary sounding news reports just now about Coronavirus. There are a lot of changes coming. This can lead to feeling scared, anxious, alone and in danger.

In scary times it’s totally acceptable to be scared.

When everything is uncertain, with changes happening daily it’s totally acceptable to feel anxious.

When people are feeling panicky about their health or the health of those they love do not ridicule them. Do not judge them. You are not them so you cannot understand. Meet their panic with empathy and compassion.

Instead of saying:

“don’t feel worried”

“don’t feel anxious”

“don’t feel scared”

Instead try

“What do you need to feel safe?”

“What do you need so you will feel more comfortable during these uncertain times?”

“How can I make this easier for you to cope with?”

When people are scared for their life or the life of others they are vulnerable for PTSD. In order to prevent that from developing don’t dismiss their feelings. It doesn’t make them feel it any less but they internalise it. Their anxiety increases. They become hypervigilant about the threat monitoring and checking to keep themselves safe. If this continues for any length of time they are vulnerable for post traumatic stress.

To help them manage their feelings allow them the space to talk to you about their worries. Limit exposure to the news to once or twice a day. The goal of the exposure is to find out the updated safety measures to keep them safe, not to highlight the danger of the threat (that’s important). Discuss how best to implement the safety measures. Plan fun things to do together – movies, board games, finally get round to tidying out that cupboard!

This is going to be a very challenging time for people who have OCD. It is possible people with high anxiety could develop OCD. Focus on relaxation techniques – breathing exercises, grounding and visualisations. This doesn’t change the situation but it does decrease the levels of anxiety in the body meaning it won’t escalate as quickly.

This is a challenging time for many. Some worries are sensible. Some are catastrophising. Some are in denial.

All my therapy going forwards until this has passed will be done remotely, over the telephone or VSee (videoconferencing like Skype).

If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, worried please get in touch. I will be running 90 minute one off sessions to work with individuals in helping them get through this as best they can.

The other week a friend of mine posted on Facebook about what was going on in their life. They have been through a lot and were having a really tough time. Looking ahead to the next 3 or 4 months things were going to get even more challenging for them.

I was about to post a response when a few of the comments left by others caught my eye….

My friend was told:

“chin up”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

“You’ll be fine”

I understand people don’t always know what to say. They want to be supportive. They want to be positive and uplifting. They want to be a good friend or loved one. Their intentions are good.

Lesson 1

It’s totally ok not to know what to say. In fact, it’s better than ok, it can be helpful! Say to someone “I’m really sorry to hear what’s going on for you right now. I don’t know what to say.” This lets them know you are taking their difficulties seriously. You understand they are going through a difficult time. You don’t have a magic wand with fancy words to make it better but you care.

Lesson 2

We live in a society where we are constantly being told to be positive. No matter what someone is going through, be positive. This can be incredibly unhealthy. It is disregarding reality. Experiencing emotional pain is real and it is healthy. Feeling angry, upset, rejected, disappointed etc can all feel unpleasant and uncomfortable and yet they are part of the human experience. Telling someone to be positive is effectively telling them to dismiss how they authentically feel and pretend to be something else.

Lesson 3

Over the years there has been growing publicity about celebrities completing suicide. When people feel desperate or hopeless suicide can become a serious option. Don’t make light of someone’s pain and assume they will bounce back. Hopefully they will, maybe one day they won’t.

Lesson 4

There doesn’t need to be a silver lining. People feel uncomfortable when others are going through emotionally difficult situations and their gut response is to make it better by outlining why it’s actually a good thing. Please don’t. Some situations are just bad. They can cause immeasurable pain and suffering. That’s real life.

If someone is going through a difficult time reach out to them. Let them be real with you. Encourage them to open up about how things really are. Let them speak and to be honest with you. You don’t need to have any answers. You don’t need to say anything other than “I’m here, I’m listening and I care”.

Sometimes life isn’t fair.

Bad things happen. They shouldn’t, but they do.

I hear it a lot in the therapy room – why did that happen to me, it’s not fair.

I wish I could say something that would explain why it happened. I wish I could give the person hope that their worst days are behind them. Reassure them that life is sorry for what it’s put them through and from now on only good things are coming their way.

But I cant.

The only truth I can give is life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Some people get more bad things than others. Sometimes it’s temporary, other times it’s lifelong.

The person who loves to run but loses their leg.

The child who was abused sexually and grows up to be an adult believing it was their fault and they are undeserving of love.

The person who has spent their life helping other people gets diagnosed with terminal cancer.

A family are killed in a tragic car accident leaving just one of them alive.

Life isn’t fair.

So what’s the point? Why even try?

As far as we are consciously aware, we only have one life. Once it’s our time there’s no going back. Every day is precious because it’s time we will never have again. Does that mean we should be happy every day? If only! That’s not possible. Humans are designed to experience a wide range of emotions, we aren’t robots.

No matter how much you wish it, happiness isn’t given to you. It’s not external. External events can make happiness temporarily out of reach – losing a loved one, not getting the job, failing a test etc.

Sometimes the best you can hope for is contentment. Knowing you are battling your demons. Knowing you are trying, some days with greater success than others. Knowing you don’t submit. You are doing your best with what you have.

Spending the day concentrating on all the things you don’t have in life won’t make your life any better. Focusing on all the reasons you have to feel miserable and defeated won’t make you feel happy.

No matter how bad things are right now someone has it worse. In fact, there are people in the world that would love your life. That doesn’t mean you should dismiss your negative feelings. However, once in a while take a step back.

Are things really as bad as they could be? Is there anything in your life you can feel grateful for? For starters, life! How many children die at a young age through illness or tragic accidents. They will never get the opportunity to grumble about their day.

Every day you are alive you have an opportunity to make your life better. Go for a walk outside. Read a book. Listen to music. These things may seem insignificant to you, but for someone who is paralysed, blind or deaf they are impossible.

There are sometimes days, weeks, months that life feels like a continuous spiral of negative events. It’s really hard. No one is saying it’s easy. Life isn’t fair. But it isn’t meant to be fair. Life isn’t meant to be easy. There isn’t a rule book. If you have an injury you don’t get to call time for it to heal and start again like nothing happened.

Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate the small things in life because people are so focused on the absolutes – I’m miserable, all I want is to be happy, why is everyone else’s life so much better/easier than mine etc.

The bottom line – this is your life. You only have one. Don’t waste it focusing on what you don’t/can’t have and feeling sorry for yourself. Try appreciating what you have right in front of you. Spend every day being grateful for that, because one day, maybe you will no longer have it.

The other day I was reading my book and one of the statements jumped out:

“We will do more to avoid pain than we will to seek pleasure.”

I was a little taken aback. Surely that can’t be true? Surely that’s a mistake.

As I read on (about an unrelated topic) my thoughts kept coming back to it. The more I contemplated it the more I realised there is a common theme – the fear of rejection and failure. Decisions are made to avoid the potential pain of rejection and failure, rather than taking the risk in the hope of receiving pleasure.

So why as a society is everyone so scared of rejection and failure?

It doesn’t feel good!

Rejection can happen in your personal life – friends, family, relationships – and in your professional life.

It can cause anxiety, depression, anger and many other emotional issues.

fMRI studies show when we experience rejection the same areas in the brain are activated as when we feel physical pain.

When you try to remember an experience you felt physical pain it doesn’t result in you feeling physical pain. However, when you remember a painful rejection your brain responds in a similar way as it did when it happened and you will feel the same kind of negative emotions.

We are social animals and we have a need to belong. When we get rejected this destabilises that need and we feel disconnected. The rejection then threatens our self esteem.

When we are rejected romantically we look for faults within us, what we did wrong, why were weren’t good enough etc. The reality that it is more likely due to not being compatible, different lifestyles and life goals is not considered and accepted.

Rejection doesn’t need to be a life sentence.

How many times have you said to yourself or others you can’t do something because…

We say it a lot!

We don’t have enough time or money. We don’t have the ability or skill.

If only we had (insert reason) we would be able to.

I want to challenge your reason. Is that really what’s stopping you?

I was in Prague for a few days for New Year. Whilst walking across Charles Bridge I spotted a group of 4 senior gentleman playing musical instruments. They were wonderful! It was only after stopping to listen for a while I noticed the details of their instruments.

The drum beat wasn’t coming from a small drum set….

Hey presto when you don’t have a drum set you can have a board with metal on it and a pair of whisks!

It sounded fantastic! It then seemed ridiculous as to why they would cart around a drum set when this did the job perfectly.

It reminded me of holidays some years ago on the Greek islands. I was always stunned at their ingenuity at making the most beautifully colourful gardens. These islands were small and didn’t have a garden centre or shops selling gardening supplies. How then did they have gardens brimming with colour, planters and hanging baskets.

Creativity!

The blue pots above are olive oil tins which were then painted and used as flower pots. Bricks were painted multiple colours and lined up to create paths.

Each time I saw a garden I was both inspired and humbled. These days if we can’t buy something that’s the end of the line.

How often do we look deeper and think of alternatives?

How often do we look at what we already have and create something new out of it?

The next time you really want something or really want to do something but tell yourself you can’t because…challenge yourself to find a different way.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.