Last weekend my best friend passed away. Cookie, my cocker spaniel, was full of life – wild camping, hill walking, exploring….it was never enough for my bundle of love and joy.
After almost 15 years of being by my side my heart broke when it was time to say goodbye. Although he was an amazing age, it still came as a shock considering he was so healthy and strong. Everyone knew how inseparable we were and how so much of my life revolved around him. They knew his death would pain me to my core.
So what do you say to someone grieving? How do you comfort them? What’s the right thing to say and do? What’s the wrong thing?
Most of us have been in the situation where you want to say the right thing to someone but is there such a thing?
A lot of my friends and family contacted me when they found out about Cookie. None of them said the wrong thing. Some really surprised me with the depth of their compassion and empathy.
There isn’t a guide book on what to say and at times that makes it difficult for people. Here are a few of the comments people said to me that helped:
- I’m sorry you are in pain.
- I’m sorry you are going through this.
- I wish I could take away your pain.
- I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier for you.
- I’m thinking about you.
- How are you feeling?
- Is there anything I can do?
- Do you feel like telling me what happened?
Reading them through they seem quite obvious. However, at the time people are worried about upsetting you or making things worse. The truth is, there isn’t anything they can say to make things better. No one expects you to have a magic wand. If only! What does bring comfort is knowing you care. Even a one line message shows you’re thinking about them. It shows you are reaching out. In the moments of heartbreak that is all that truly matters. There are poets amongst us but for those who are not, a text, email, facebook message or phone call saying “I am sorry you are going through this” means the world.
Contact me for more information.
Written by Julia Donald , CBT Psychotherapist at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy Inverness.