The other week a friend of mine posted on Facebook about what was going on in their life. They have been through a lot and were having a really tough time. Looking ahead to the next 3 or 4 months things were going to get even more challenging for them.
I was about to post a response when a few of the comments left by others caught my eye….
My friend was told:
“chin up”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
“You’ll be fine”
I understand people don’t always know what to say. They want to be supportive. They want to be positive and uplifting. They want to be a good friend or loved one. Their intentions are good.
Lesson 1
It’s totally ok not to know what to say. In fact, it’s better than ok, it can be helpful! Say to someone “I’m really sorry to hear what’s going on for you right now. I don’t know what to say.” This lets them know you are taking their difficulties seriously. You understand they are going through a difficult time. You don’t have a magic wand with fancy words to make it better but you care.
Lesson 2
We live in a society where we are constantly being told to be positive. No matter what someone is going through, be positive. This can be incredibly unhealthy. It is disregarding reality. Experiencing emotional pain is real and it is healthy. Feeling angry, upset, rejected, disappointed etc can all feel unpleasant and uncomfortable and yet they are part of the human experience. Telling someone to be positive is effectively telling them to dismiss how they authentically feel and pretend to be something else.
Lesson 3
Over the years there has been growing publicity about celebrities completing suicide. When people feel desperate or hopeless suicide can become a serious option. Don’t make light of someone’s pain and assume they will bounce back. Hopefully they will, maybe one day they won’t.
Lesson 4
There doesn’t need to be a silver lining. People feel uncomfortable when others are going through emotionally difficult situations and their gut response is to make it better by outlining why it’s actually a good thing. Please don’t. Some situations are just bad. They can cause immeasurable pain and suffering. That’s real life.
If someone is going through a difficult time reach out to them. Let them be real with you. Encourage them to open up about how things really are. Let them speak and to be honest with you. You don’t need to have any answers. You don’t need to say anything other than “I’m here, I’m listening and I care”.