When you look at the photo what do you see?
It may look like a fit and strong person at the top of a hill (Geal-charn Mor).
Does it look like I struggled? Of course not! With big smiles it looks like I belong on that mountain top.
Would that be accurate?
Since it’s me in the photo taken yesterday let me answer that with a “I wish!”.
The reality is I nearly cancelled going….a number of times!
I had an incredibly busy, productive and full on week. By Friday night I was shattered! I fell into bed after spending the evening doing much needed paperwork and thought “what on earth am I thinking planning Geal-charn Mor tomorrow!”
I must have contemplated messaging my friend a dozen times during the week to cancel the walk. I was knackered, had slept badly all week and I hadn’t a clue where my hill walking gear was – not the best start. It had been 8 weeks since I had been on a good walk, never mind a hill walk. I was going to pay for that!
All week I thought about how I wouldn’t manage it. Every step was going to be killing. And after all of the hard work walking up I knew I wouldn’t succeed in getting to the top.
I knew I wouldn’t succeed….how did I know?
I don’t have a glass ball and given my accuracy on how films turn out I would say my fortune telling skills are seriously lacking! And yet apparently I knew, without a doubt, that I wouldn’t manage it.
At that point the CBT Psychotherapist in my head turned on and said STOP!
“What evidence have you got that you won’t manage to get to the summit?”
“What evidence have you got that you might manage it?”
“Is the only reason I’m doing the walk to get to the summit?”
“Would it be the end of the world if I had to turn back?”
“What are the benefits of going on the walk and turning back early?”
Thank goodness for my inner therapist.
I reminded myself why I was going on the walk – to enjoy time with my friend doing our favourite hobby surrounded by the cairngorm mountain range. Getting to the summit was merely the point we turn around and go back to the car.
Was I really going to ruin all of that for myself listening to my self doubt?
So I packed my bag, drove to Aviemore to meet my friend, donned the walking boots and we set off.
Wow! Hello bly sky, sunshine, autumn colours and a sprinkling of snow…it was heaven!
What a day! It was absolutely spectacular.
And yes….I got to the summit! Big happy smiles!
Was it easy? No! Within 5 minutes my heels started to rub at the back of my walking boots. The 8 week break meant the skin was now soft and delicate. 10 minutes later I had 2 blisters on my left heel which were sore. Around that time my hip flexors decided they didn’t want to carry my heavy rucksack up the hill and if I wanted to continue they were going to be very painful – all the way up and all the way down.
You can’t see all that in the photos!
And yet the smiles are genuine. The sheer delight and happiness is real. I felt on top of the world. I loved every minute of it! Yes it would have been ideal without the heels and hip flexors causing grief but I chose not to let that steal the magic of the day.
If I had listened to my self doubt I would have talked myself out of even attempting it. What happens when another few weeks go by and I still have a lot on, would I have thought my chances of success would have been higher then – no chance.
We all have moments of self doubt. We all question our abilities. We all hear the voice that says “you won’t be able to do this”. The difference between the people who succeed and those that don’t even try is the former challenges the voice and says “watch me try my hardest”. That is how they conquer challenges – they keep trying until they succeed.
So the next time you hear the voice of self doubt, answer it back with your own challenge to succeed and enjoy trying.
Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.