As wonderful as Christmas time can be, it can also be a time fraught with family arguments.
Something seemingly small and inconsequential to one person can be interpreted differently by someone else and in a matter of minutes a full blown heated row erupts.
Maybe you feel like someone is always putting you down or is routinely passive aggressive.
Maybe you feel like no one is listening to you and you are always being talked over.
Or maybe you find it difficult to keep your cool and find yourself becoming increasingly agitated and angry by the people around you.
An argument isn’t an inevitable conclusion.
If there is someone you know you clash with be prepared. Keep yourself in check and try not to make any put down or snarky comments.
If they say or do anything that makes you feel irritated take a deep breath and count to 4. Hold the breath for 7. Let the breath out over 8. Repeat.
When you show your annoyance or respond in kind you are giving them all the power. You, and only you, are in control of your behaviour.
So take a deep breath and choose to let go of the anger. Take control of the situation. Walk away if you are feeling like it might eacalate – not in a tantrum way but excuse yourself politely and leave. Take a moment to catch your breath, calm down and return, focusing on the other people there.
Learn to recognise how irritated or angry you are feeling and at what point you need to step away.
We tend to think we are right. That generally means someone else is wrong. That isn’t always the case. Even if it is, what is the price you are willing to pay for being right. There are times it is important to speak up and be heard. There are others when the price is too high and keeping silent or walking away is the wisest choice and takes the most self control. It’s not always easy! However, by maintaining your self control you also maintain the power.
Communication is a vital skill in life. When communicating with others it’s important to make ‘I’ statements and not ‘you’ statements.
‘I’ statements are about taking ownership and responsibility. ‘You’ statements, although potentially unintentional, blame others and pass responsibility to them. This tends to get their back up and they retaliate. At this point it’s difficult to get them to listen and understand your point of view.
You Statements’
When you never text me back you were sulking and so I sent that nasty text. You always do this.
‘I’ statements
Explain the situation, what you thought, how it made you feel and the action you took. Then say what you would prefer to happen in future.
When I never received a text back from you
I thought you were sulking
I felt really annoyed at this
So I sent you that nasty text.
I would prefer it next time if you could text me to say you are (tired or busy etc) so I’m not waiting for you to reply.
Take ownership of what you thought, how it made you feel and what you did or didn’t do.
Instead of saying:
You never listen to me.
You never help me.
You always prioritise other people.
Try saying:
When I am talking I don’t think you are listening to me. This makes me feel (hurt, angry etc) and I then (go quiet, stomp off etc). I would prefer it if when I’m talking you could look at me and respond. That way I think you hear what I’m saying and understand.
It may sound long winded initially but it soon becomes habit. It allows you ti communicate how you’re feeling and what you would prefer the person to do in the least antagonistic way. You want them to take on board what you’re saying not get defensive and go on the attack.
Good luck! Contact me if you need any further information or advice.
Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.