One of the most common things I hear in therapy is “But I should be able to cope.”
It doesn’t matter what it’s about – trauma, grief, relationships ending, work deadlines, social anxiety, depression….the list is endless.
People assume they should be able to cope. No matter what the circumstances. No matter what else is going on in their lives. It doesn’t seem to matter; they should be able to manage.
When they start to feel overwhelmed, emotional or low they blame themselves, it must be a sign they are weak, they should be able to handle it better.
When was the last time you said that to yourself?
When was the last time you berated yourself for not managing to cope?
From time to time we all do it, even those trained to know better. The other day I had what felt like a million things to do and very little time and I could feel myself starting to get stressed about it. I heard myself say “oh for goodness sake you should be able to cope better than this.”
Thankfully, my next thought was “wait a minute! I’ve got a lot to do today it’s natural that I would feel a little stressed. Cut yourself some slack.”
A few years ago I watched a video on YouTube of a Psychologist and Lecturer talking to a group of students. She held out a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is the glass?”
The students answered according to different weights trying to guess. The Psychologist responded “it depends on how long you are holding it.”
In the beginning it might feel relatively light but after an hour….3 hours….6 hours….it won’t be feeling light anymore.
How does that relate to life?
When you are going through something and it doesn’t resolve in a short period of time it becomes more and more difficult to cope with. That isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a fact of life. The longer you have to hold on to something the tougher it gets. It doesn’t make you weak, not at all.
Would you judge the person holding the glass of water for needing a break? Would you judge them for needing someone to say “let me help you carry the weight”?
That’s what happens in therapy.
The therapist empathises with your situation and says “let me help you manage the weight”.
It could be stress at work, or the loss of a loved one. Maybe it’s lots of little things that together feel like an unbearable load. Whatever it is, therapy is there to help you cope. You’ve been carrying it yourself for so long, it’s time to let someone help you.
Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.