Blog

18th to 24 November 2019 is Scotland’s week long book party and this year the theme is Blether #BookWeekScotland.

So what is a blether?

A blether is simply a warm and friendly chat. It can be about anything!

It may not seem very important on the surface but a good blether can be life changing.

Lets say you’ve had a long and tiring day. You’re waiting at the bus stop and the bus is late. It’s pouring with rain and freezing cold. You are feeling…I’m guessing pretty miserable! Someone else is standing next to you and before you know it you are both blethering about your summer holidays, or a good meal you had in town, about your dogs….very soon you stop feeling so miserable; you are now chatting and laughing.

Lets say you are sitting on a train on your way to an interview. You are feeling nervous, worried and panicky. The person sitting opposite comments on what a lovely day it is. You haven’t even noticed you’ve been so concerned about the interview. You reply to be polite but after a few minutes you are talking about your interview and this kind stranger listens, offering support. You start to relax and the conversation changes to talk about a wedding they are going to….20 minutes later you leave the train. You are nervous and worried but after the chat you feel slightly lighter.

Lets say you are sitting on a park bench and there is someone next to you. You start chatting about the flowers or the changing seasons. Maybe you talk about the approaching festive season. 10 minutes later you continue on your way. The person could have been sitting there feeling alone in the world. Maybe they had a fight with their partner, been let go at work, lost a loved one or are worrying about how to pay their rent next week. Your 10 minute blether could have been the only good thing to happen to them that day.

Having a cup of tea and a blether with a friend can sometimes be the only therapy you need! Between the two of you and a slice of carrot cake you can put the world to rights.

We have no idea what is going on in other peoples lives. We have no idea what they are going through. It could be something wonderful and they are thrilled to shout it from the rooftops. It could be something bad and they are lost and upset. It could be a normal day but talking to you makes their day a tiny bit better.

At the end of the day, having a blether with a friend or loved one, a neighbour or acquaintance or maybe a total stranger can be the difference between them feeling alone and feeling someone cares.

A good blether can help us through a tough time, give us the confidence to overcome a hurdle or just put a smile on our face at the end of a long day.

So next time you are sitting or standing next to someone and you have a free 2 minutes have a blether….about anything. Make a differnce to their day. Make a difference to your day. That could be all the difference that’s needed.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

One of the most common things I hear in therapy is “But I should be able to cope.”

It doesn’t matter what it’s about – trauma, grief, relationships ending, work deadlines, social anxiety, depression….the list is endless.

People assume they should be able to cope. No matter what the circumstances. No matter what else is going on in their lives. It doesn’t seem to matter; they should be able to manage.

When they start to feel overwhelmed, emotional or low they blame themselves, it must be a sign they are weak, they should be able to handle it better.

When was the last time you said that to yourself?

When was the last time you berated yourself for not managing to cope?

From time to time we all do it, even those trained to know better. The other day I had what felt like a million things to do and very little time and I could feel myself starting to get stressed about it. I heard myself say “oh for goodness sake you should be able to cope better than this.”

Thankfully, my next thought was “wait a minute! I’ve got a lot to do today it’s natural that I would feel a little stressed. Cut yourself some slack.”

A few years ago I watched a video on YouTube of a Psychologist and Lecturer talking to a group of students. She held out a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is the glass?”

The students answered according to different weights trying to guess. The Psychologist responded “it depends on how long you are holding it.”

In the beginning it might feel relatively light but after an hour….3 hours….6 hours….it won’t be feeling light anymore.

How does that relate to life?

When you are going through something and it doesn’t resolve in a short period of time it becomes more and more difficult to cope with. That isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a fact of life. The longer you have to hold on to something the tougher it gets. It doesn’t make you weak, not at all.

Would you judge the person holding the glass of water for needing a break? Would you judge them for needing someone to say “let me help you carry the weight”?

That’s what happens in therapy.

The therapist empathises with your situation and says “let me help you manage the weight”.

It could be stress at work, or the loss of a loved one. Maybe it’s lots of little things that together feel like an unbearable load. Whatever it is, therapy is there to help you cope. You’ve been carrying it yourself for so long, it’s time to let someone help you.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

When you look at the photo what do you see?

It may look like a fit and strong person at the top of a hill (Geal-charn Mor).

Does it look like I struggled? Of course not! With big smiles it looks like I belong on that mountain top.

Would that be accurate?

Since it’s me in the photo taken yesterday let me answer that with a “I wish!”.

The reality is I nearly cancelled going….a number of times!

I had an incredibly busy, productive and full on week. By Friday night I was shattered! I fell into bed after spending the evening doing much needed paperwork and thought “what on earth am I thinking planning Geal-charn Mor tomorrow!”

I must have contemplated messaging my friend a dozen times during the week to cancel the walk. I was knackered, had slept badly all week and I hadn’t a clue where my hill walking gear was – not the best start. It had been 8 weeks since I had been on a good walk, never mind a hill walk. I was going to pay for that!

All week I thought about how I wouldn’t manage it. Every step was going to be killing. And after all of the hard work walking up I knew I wouldn’t succeed in getting to the top.

I knew I wouldn’t succeed….how did I know?

I don’t have a glass ball and given my accuracy on how films turn out I would say my fortune telling skills are seriously lacking! And yet apparently I knew, without a doubt, that I wouldn’t manage it.

At that point the CBT Psychotherapist in my head turned on and said STOP!

“What evidence have you got that you won’t manage to get to the summit?”

“What evidence have you got that you might manage it?”

“Is the only reason I’m doing the walk to get to the summit?”

“Would it be the end of the world if I had to turn back?”

“What are the benefits of going on the walk and turning back early?”

Thank goodness for my inner therapist.

I reminded myself why I was going on the walk – to enjoy time with my friend doing our favourite hobby surrounded by the cairngorm mountain range. Getting to the summit was merely the point we turn around and go back to the car.

Was I really going to ruin all of that for myself listening to my self doubt?

So I packed my bag, drove to Aviemore to meet my friend, donned the walking boots and we set off.

Wow! Hello bly sky, sunshine, autumn colours and a sprinkling of snow…it was heaven!

What a day! It was absolutely spectacular.

And yes….I got to the summit! Big happy smiles!

Was it easy? No! Within 5 minutes my heels started to rub at the back of my walking boots. The 8 week break meant the skin was now soft and delicate. 10 minutes later I had 2 blisters on my left heel which were sore. Around that time my hip flexors decided they didn’t want to carry my heavy rucksack up the hill and if I wanted to continue they were going to be very painful – all the way up and all the way down.

You can’t see all that in the photos!

And yet the smiles are genuine. The sheer delight and happiness is real. I felt on top of the world. I loved every minute of it! Yes it would have been ideal without the heels and hip flexors causing grief but I chose not to let that steal the magic of the day.

If I had listened to my self doubt I would have talked myself out of even attempting it. What happens when another few weeks go by and I still have a lot on, would I have thought my chances of success would have been higher then – no chance.

We all have moments of self doubt. We all question our abilities. We all hear the voice that says “you won’t be able to do this”. The difference between the people who succeed and those that don’t even try is the former challenges the voice and says “watch me try my hardest”. That is how they conquer challenges – they keep trying until they succeed.

So the next time you hear the voice of self doubt, answer it back with your own challenge to succeed and enjoy trying.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

You blink and summer’s over. You blink again and it’s bonfire night. All of a sudden it’s time for the Christmas shoe box appeal. How did that happen already?

Every year my mum and I make up Christmas boxes together – our tradition.

This year I was smugly patting myself on the back at how organised we were ordering everything so far in advance. Here was me thinking this year we had nailed it, better than all the previous years….

Until my mum checked the drop off date only to find out it was last week…

So much for organised!

Thankfully I spoke to Blythswood today and they confirmed we had another week for the final drop off – PHEW!

And so the night of being knee deep in toys, hats, scarves, pens, crayons, notebooks, jewellery…(it’s a long list) commenced.

This could have become very stressful. A 14 week old puppy running around like he was in Aladdin’s cave and two very tired humans trying to decide which box gets what.

Thankfully we didn’t let it. We chose not to get stressed and overwhelmed. Instead, we chose to take a deep breath and enjoy it.

This is something we love doing every year. It makes us feel happy knowing someone, somewhere, will get to open a mysterious box full of fun and exciting things at Christmas. If we didn’t do it, it would be one less box for someone in need.

We can’t change their life. We can’t take away their hardships. We can’t remove their pain.

We CAN let them know someone out there in the world, a total stranger, cares enough about them to send it. I hope it makes them smile. I hope for a moment in time their life feels a little brighter. We can’t do much but we can do that.

This year we once again made 16 Christmas shoe boxes – 3 for babies, 5 for girls, 4 for boys, 3 for women and 1 for a man. We were aiming to beat last year’s (we can be rather competitive!) but settled for jam packed boxes bursting at the seams. There’s always next year!

Christmas shoe box appeal 2019

You can find information about the Christmas shoe box appeal on Blythswood’s website click here.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Today is National Stress Awareness Day.

Everyone has experienced stress in their lives. It is a fact of life, an every day occurrence, a normal and healthy part of life.

For some it is an unpleasant passing experience. For others it can persist, seriously impacting their daily life causing anxiety and/or depression.

What is stress?

Stress is the body’s response to a trigger – an event which causes a reaction. The trigger could be meeting someone new, a report due at work, giving a presentation, having an argument etc.

The body responds to stress with a mental, physical and emotional reaction. This is also known as the fight or flight response. The brain releases adrenaline causing a number of symptoms: racing thoughts, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, muscles tense and shaking.

Stress – the good

Although symptoms can feel unpleasant, the body’s stress response does have advantages.

Stress keeps us alert, motivated and safe in times of danger. Studies have even shown short term stress boosts the immune system.

If you have an approaching deadline you may be familiar with the physical symptoms of stress. You may also recognise it is those symptoms which motivated you to focus on getting the job done. If you look at the time and realise you’re going to miss the bus it’s the stress response which gets you moving (or running!).

Once you’ve met the deadline or caught the bus the body starts to relax, the threat has passed. You unwind mentally, physically and emotionally.

Stress – the bad

So when does stress go from being helpful to a hindrance?

In between stressors the body needs time to relax. Without that relief problems can develop.

When faced with continuous challenges with little time to step back the body starts to struggle. This can also occur if the time in between stressors isn’t quality relaxation time, allowing you to switch off and regroup.

When this happens your body finds it increasingly difficult to cope with stressors, pulling you further and further down. Your body becomes increasingly distressed, disrupting the internal equilibrium and causing a number of different side effects.

The physical symptoms can include: an upset stomach, acid reflux, headaches, dizziness, elevated blood pressure, chest pain, muscle tightness, fatigue, insomnia and sexual dysfunction.

Emotionally it can lead to worry, anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

Stress – the ugly

Studies have shown chronic stress significantly effects the immune system resulting in illness.

Studies have also shown there is a correlation between stress and the 6 leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

The solution – make stress your friend

Does that sound crazy? How can you possibly make something which can kill you your friend!

What is important to remember is the stress response isn’t harmful. Not taking time out in between stressors to let the body restore its equilibrium is harmful.

So how do you keep yourself healthy? It’s relatively easy!

• Exercise
• Relaxation breathing
• Meditation
• Spend time outside (go for a walk or gardening)
• Spend time enjoying a hobby
• Get support from your friends and family
• Speak to a therapist to learn about warning signs, how to manage your stress better or to offload

A few years ago Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford Psychologist, discussed the very interesting findings of new research about stress:

“Viewing stress as harmful leads people to cope in ways that are less helpful, whether it’s getting drunk to “release” stress, procrastinating to avoid stress, or imagining worst-case scenarios. One study found that simply having the goal to avoid stress increased the long-term risk of outcomes like depression, divorce and getting fired, by increasing people’s reliance on harmful coping strategies.

In contrast, viewing stress more positively seems to encourage people to cope in ways that help them thrive, whether it’s tackling the source of stress, seeking social support or finding meaning in it.

The three most protective beliefs about stress are: 1) to view your body’s stress response as helpful, not debilitating – for example, to view stress as energy you can use; 2) to view yourself as able to handle, and even learn and grow from, the stress in your life; and 3) to view stress as something that everyone deals with, and not something that proves how uniquely screwed up you or your life is.”

Click on the video below to listen to Kelly McGonigal discuss the research in more detail.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Last week a friend of mine posted on facebook one of the greatest understandings of self worth I have ever seen.

She referred to the saying many of us have been told, read about and maybe even said to others: “Treat others like you would want to be treated.”

What was exceptional about her post was she moved beyond the quote, expanding and enhancing the meaning to incorporate a deeper appreciation of self respect and self worth.

“Treat yourself like you want to be treated. Show people an example of what you will or won’t accept.”

On the surface this may sound like a minor adjustment. It sounds almost the same…but it’s not.

We are often so busy thinking of others, prioritising their wants and needs we forget about our own. The focus is on other people, not ourselves.

Does that make us selfless?

Does balancing the focus to include ourselves make us selfish?

How do people decide how to treat you? Is it how they themselves want to be treated? Is it what they can get away with? Is it how you treat them? Do you set the tone?

If we lose ourselves thinking about other people, prioritising ourselves last is it then understandable why other people will do the same?

So what’s the solution?

If we start thinking about what we need for ourselves and acting upon it, whilst also taking into consideration other people, I don’t see that as selfless or selfish. To me, that’s self care – an essential component for a happy and healthy life.

If you want others to respect you, learn to respect yourself. If you want compassion, learn to demonstrate self compassion. If you want kindness, learn to show yourself kindness, understanding, empathy….the list goes on.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? This could be anything from reading the paper or a magazine with a cup of coffee, having a relaxing bath, going to a gym class or for a walk, meeting friends to have a catch up and a laugh?

If we act on what we need we are paving the way to show other people how we want to be treated. People aren’t mind readers and as much as we wish they would just “get it” they often don’t. Maybe they try to, maybe they don’t but we can’t blame them for not intuitively knowing.

If other people see you looking after your needs they are more likely to respect your actions and start considering your needs as well as their own. The better care you take of yourself the higher the bar you are setting and people will start to respect that standard. The opposite is also true. If you always put your needs last others are more likely to do the same. You are teaching them that’s what you want and what you expect.

Something to reflect on – what standards do you have for how people treat you? How did you decide what is and isn’t acceptable? How did you convey those standards to other people? Do you treat others as you wish to be treated? Do you allow others to treat you better or worse than they treat themselves?

Contact me if you would like help deciding what your standards are and how to implement them.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Bonfire night is around the corner and as delightful as we find lighting the bonfire and letting off fireworks not everyone shares that same thrilling experience.

For others this time of year is filled with dread, panic and terror.

Fireworks are loud, colourful and look spectacular in the sky. For those with PTSD they can have a traumatising effect.

So is this something they can snap out of? Pull themselves together and it will be ok? Understand it’s only fireworks and they won’t hurt you? Be brave and push through?

If only it were that simple.

When someone is traumatised and is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) their brain changes to protect them. Their amygdala recognises the noise as a real and genuine threat and floods their body with adrenaline to fight or escape (the fight, flight or freeze response). The fear is real.

So if you have PTSD what can you do to make this time of year more bearable?

First of all I would ask for compassion. This is not your fault. This is not something you have asked for or want. This is the result of a traumatic experience and the amygdala pairing experiences as threatening. Therefore, I would ask you have compassion for yourself, you deserve it.

If you can go somewhere quiet away from the noise then that will give you some relief. It is a short term solution because if you ever want to overcome your body’s response you will need therapy. CBT is very effective in treating PTSD and is something I would recommend you look into.

If you can’t escape it then tell whoever you will be with that you will need their support. Here are some strategies which can help you.

It is important to go into the situation calm. If you are anxious before it starts your body is already half way there. Easier said than done? Yes of course but it is doable.

Focus on your breathing. Inhale for 4, hold the breath for 4 and exhale for 4. Repeat, telling yourself ‘calm’.

Grounding exercises are especially helpful at distracting your brain.

• Count back from 100 in 3s or 5s (100, 97, 94, 91)
• Think of an animal or a country or a city with every letter in the alphabet
• Focus on your body. How does your left foot feel in socks or shoes? Wiggle your toes, how does that feel? Stamp your foot, how does that feel? Now with the right foot. How does it feel on your skin to wear jeans/trousers/jumper? When you move how does the sensation change?
• Think of a happy memory. Relive the memory in detail using your senses. What did you see, hear, smell, feel and taste?

When the fireworks start remind yourself you are safe. Continue with the breathing exercise focusing on your breath and the grounding techniques.

It can be a challenging time but using these techniques will hopefully make it more manageable. Contact me if you would like more information.

Written by Julia Donald, CBT Psychotherapist at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy Inverness.

We are approaching Halloween – a marvellous time of year for dressing up in weird and wonderful costumes!

Halloween gives us the opportunity to transform ourselves into someone, or something, different. It could be an animal, a famous person or the traditional witch/ghost/skeleton.

As children there is so much delight in getting dressed up and assuming the identity of the costume. As adults how many of us have the chance to be someone or something different for a while? Would you want to be?

How many of us have dressed up as an angel, the devil, a Greek God or even the naughty nurse at Halloween for fun? For one night we get to pretend to be someone else.

In our every day lives we are generally fixed in a pattern of behaviour. This then brings out particular personality traits more than others. People then identify us with those ways of being.

But what happens if you want a break from the person the world knows is ‘you’? How easy is it to wake up one day and be different? The person always saying yes to everyone says no. The quiet, shy, reserved person asks someone on a date. The outgoing socialite stays home and reads a book. How would the people around you respond?

A few months ago I was watching a reality TV programme about couples who think they should win the ‘perfect couple’ title. In one of those couples the female was describing herself as two people: her ‘normal’ self and her alter ego. The characteristics were totally different and had a different first name. Her alter ego was significantly more confident, outgoing and open minded sexually.

As a CBT Psychotherapist all of a sudden I was paying attention. Was this alter ego a different self state (dissociative disorder)? What was going on here? Why did this female feel she needed an alter ego and couldn’t incorporate all of her desired traits into her ‘normal’ self.

As I continued to watch it became clear this was her way of being the person she wanted society to see and also giving herself permission to have a less restricted version of herself as and when she wanted it. She didn’t wait for Halloween to have one night of being someone else.

So here’s something to reflect on. How often do you allow different parts of your personality to come out? How often do you break the mould and be a different you? If you did, what would that person be like? Would the people around you accept that version of you? If they wouldn’t, what does that say about them?

Do you really need the excuse or reason of Halloween to transform yourself, not into someone else, but into a different you?

Written by Julia Donald , CBT Psychotherapist at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy Inverness.

Today the clocks go back an hour signifying the changing seasons and oncoming winter. For some, today is filled with dread – dark mornings, cold weather and the desire to stay inside. For others it is a time for excitement – winter sports, the festive season approaching or a time to catch your breath and hibernate. How did you feel about it? Maybe you were just happy to get an extra hour in bed – I wouldn’t blame you!

Every year at this time I always think about what a bonus that extra hour is. What will I do with it? Is there something I’ve been desperately wanting to do but never found the time because today of all days I now have it.

This year my 13 week old puppy had different ideas. For him it was still the same time to wake up and play. He was hungry so it must be breakfast time. Try explaining to a puppy “well actually the clocks have gone back to yes we can play tug of war but in an hour’s time”.

This got me thinking about time and how precious the concept of one more hour is. When we are children all we want is one more minute in the play park or playing with friends. When we are on holiday what most of us wouldn’t do to have just one more minute lying in the sun or skiing in the alps. When someone we love is dying we would go to the ends of the earth for just one more minute of their company.

So today we have an hour, 60 whole minutes…what are you going to do with it?

Written by Julia Donald, CBT Psychotherapist at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy Inverness.

Last weekend my best friend passed away. Cookie, my cocker spaniel, was full of life – wild camping, hill walking, exploring….it was never enough for my bundle of love and joy.

After almost 15 years of being by my side my heart broke when it was time to say goodbye. Although he was an amazing age, it still came as a shock considering he was so healthy and strong. Everyone knew how inseparable we were and how so much of my life revolved around him. They knew his death would pain me to my core.

So what do you say to someone grieving? How do you comfort them? What’s the right thing to say and do? What’s the wrong thing?

Most of us have been in the situation where you want to say the right thing to someone but is there such a thing?

A lot of my friends and family contacted me when they found out about Cookie. None of them said the wrong thing. Some really surprised me with the depth of their compassion and empathy.

There isn’t a guide book on what to say and at times that makes it difficult for people. Here are a few of the comments people said to me that helped:

• I’m sorry you are in pain.
• I’m sorry you are going through this.
• I wish I could take away your pain.
• I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier for you.
• I’m thinking about you.
• How are you feeling?
• Is there anything I can do?
• Do you feel like telling me what happened?

Reading them through they seem quite obvious. However, at the time people are worried about upsetting you or making things worse. The truth is, there isn’t anything they can say to make things better. No one expects you to have a magic wand. If only! What does bring comfort is knowing you care. Even a one line message shows you’re thinking about them. It shows you are reaching out. In the moments of heartbreak that is all that truly matters. There are poets amongst us but for those who are not, a text, email, facebook message or phone call saying “I am sorry you are going through this” means the world.

Contact me for more information.

Written by Julia Donald , CBT Psychotherapist at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy Inverness.