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You are walking home and it’s dark. You reach the narrow street and it’s deserted. You pause…did you hear something? Your heartbeat increases and you strain to listen…nothing.

Do you go down the narrow street or take the longer route taking an extra 10 minutes?

I’m currently reading a fascinating book by Gavin De Becker, “The Gift of Fear”. The book outlines the importance of listening to your intuition as it is our best line of defence against potential threats. This got me thinking…

What is the difference between being anxious about potential threats and being cautious?

There are people who consider every possible scenario. In this context, they consider all the different times they may be at risk or in danger, all the things that could go wrong. They will feel increasingly anxious, some to the point where they will cancel their plans to remain in the safety of their home.

Is this how to keep yourself safe?

Life is a risk. Every day we take risks. The key is to take calculated risks.

In the above example, your intuition is telling you to beware, be careful. If you ignore it you may be totally fine. Is it worth the risk? If you don’t actually need to and you could add a detour to increase your safety, is it really worth finding out?

If you do opt for the detour what does that say about you – are you sensible or a coward? Are you listening to your intuition or being held hostage by anxiety?

The difference is common sense. Ask yourself one question – is it rational to believe (insert belief) will happen? If it is rational and you are simply being cautious then you are listening to your intuition. If it’s not rational then you can challenge the belief by asking yourself WHY do you think it will happen. What is the evidence base for it? What is the evidence base against it? What does past experience tell you is the most likely scenario? If you can’t reason with the belief then you know your anxious feelings are stronger than your powers of reasoning and it’s time to talk to a friend, family member or therapist about tackling it.

What one person may consider to be a rational fear may be totally irrational to someone else.

Who decides what is rational?

When people have been the victim of a crime it can be common for them to doubt their judgement and try to reassess their risk rule book so to speak.

This is part of processing what happened. Such events change you. They give you more life experience – unwelcomed.

It can be hard to define whether your new beliefs about your safety are healthy or if what has happened is distorting reality.

With all of these situations it is important to remember you aren’t alone. You don’t need to figure everything out all at once. Talk to someone you trust. Work with a therapist who will train you how to challenge your own thoughts.

De Becker says, fear is a gift.

The key is knowing if your fear is keeping you safe or if it’s lying to you.

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

There’s a lot of 10 year posts going around and this got me thinking about how much can change in a decade!For me, the last 10 years have brought many highs and many challenges.

I graduated from my Masters degree.

I climbed my first munro (Scottish mountain).

I bought my first flat with someone then moved on and bought my first flat solo.

I tried parasailing and water skiing (it didn’t go well I tore my hamstring so badly after 5 mins I wasn’t allowed to walk on my leg for 2 months!)

I did my first ever long distance walk (the West Highland Way from Glasgow to Fort William).

I did my first wild camp which was also my first solo wild camp.

I graduated with my Postgraduate Diploma and opened my Private Practice, Cognitive Vitality.

There were moments I felt weak – mentally and physically. Those are my proudest moments because I never gave up. Those are the moments that define you. It’s easy to succeed when life is going to plan. When you get hit by an unexpected curveball, that’s when it matters.

Along the way I’ve made some lifelong friends and learned some very important life lessons.

Walking up the cobbler (a scottish hill) 7 months after major surgery I learned that to get to the top, all you need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. No matter how long it takes, no matter how tired you are, one foot in front of the other will get you to your destination.

Taking a day trip over to the isle of Bute and climbing an unknown hill on my own I was feeling way out of my comfort zone. I kept wondering if I was lost and where had I left my sanity! I got to the top and could have cried with happiness. It was one of the smallest hills I’ve done but that day I left the hill top a more confident and courageous individual.

Getting to the top of Reither Spitze was one of the most rewarding walks I’ve ever done. It showed me that all the work I’d done for a year getting fitter really paid off.

The day I decided to do my first wild camp was raining and windy. Everyone thought I was mad! But I knew it was the right time for me so off I went. I woke up in the morning to the most beautiful sunrise – nothing could beat that memory. I had done it. On my own. Survived! And loved every minute of it.

Looking back, each event challenged me in different ways, making me into the person I am today.

2020 awaits!

What will the next 10 years bring…I look forward to finding out!

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Hello 2020!

A new year brings so much hope of new possibilities.It’s a time for relefection and evaluation.

Is your life the way you want it?

Life is a balance. There are 3 internal elements and 4 external elements.Internal

• Mind
• Heart
• Health

External

• Work
• Social
• Family
• Fun

Do you have the right balance tor a happy, healthy and fulfilling life?If you do,what do you want to achieve this year? How are you going to do it?If you don’t, that’s ok.

Now’s the time to do it.

What areas do you think need work? How are you going to make the changes? How will you know once you’ve achieved it?

When deciding what you are doing right and what you need to change remember this isn’t a blame game. It’s not about self assassination and looking at what areas you are failing – not in the slightest.

Have compassion for yourself.

This is the opportunity to learn and grow. Make changes to give yourself the most rewarding life possible.If there are areas in your life which are imbalanced but, for whatever reason, they cannot be changed then consider how you can change the areas you do have control over to help you cope and build resilience.

It’s a new year. So much is possible if you decide what you want and plan the steps on how to achieve it.You may not achieve it overnight.You may not achieve it next month or by the end of the year even.But think on this, how satisfying would it be this time next year knowing you are closer to the life you want because of the choices you made in 2020.Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Some people love making new year’s resolutions every year. Other people think it’s a waste of time.

I’m in the former category. I love it!

Every year I reflect back on what I had hoped to achieve. Did I do it? If I didn’t, did I choose to focus on something else? Do I still want to achieve it? Was there anything stopping me and has that now been resolved?

It’s a very uplifting experience for me. It’s so easy to get bogged down with life and never stop to see how far you’ve come. This is my time to identify all I’ve accomplished and be proud of that. It allows me time to re-evaluate what I want out of life and see if my current actions are helping or harming my chance of success.

This year one of my resolutions was to walk up a munro (a mountain in Scotland). I didn’t manage it until September but wow what a feeling! A lot of hard work went into getting fit again after having a number of obstacles to overcome but I did it.

Another was to solo wild camp on a mountain. The day I chose was TORRENTIAL rain! The mud was half way up my calf and I couldn’t see a thing. The following morning….well….what can I say…it was worth it!

My other main one was to stay overnight in a bothy (a Scottish mountain hut). This hasn’t happened this year and that’s ok! I stopped and had lunch in one and loved it. I’m one step closer …maybe next year will be the year…who knows!

New year’s resolutions keep me focused. They let me reset my course and keep moving me closer to what I want out of life. They encourage me to get out of my comfort zone and try new experiences.

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

It’s the last weekend before Christmas. For some it will be a magical time and for others total chaos.

Last minute christmas shopping

Crowds

Too many people to meet up with and not enough time

Getting the home ready for visitors

Wrapping presents

Family arguments

The list could go on and on….

Rushing about trying to fit it all in can be incredibly stressful and overwhelming.

Unfortunately, I can’t decrease your to do list. I can’t give you more hours in the day. I can’t make you super human so you can flash through everything.

I can remind you to breath. It sounds too simple to be helpful, surely!

There is a difference between being focused and productive and the alternative, being overwhelmed and stressed.

When we are running about doing a million things we start to focus our thoughts on what we still have to do, the lack of time we have and how we won’t get everything done. This triggers a stress response within the body. Emotionally we can feel anxious, worried, stressed, helpless etc. The stress response floods our body with adrenaline increasing our heart rate, making it harder to concentrate, sweating, feeling nauseous etc.

I can’t change what you have to do but I can help you cope with it better.

BREATH….

Stop for 5 minutes.

Breath in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This action tells the body there is no threat. With no threat there is no need for the stress response and it will stop pumping your body full of adrenaline.

Write down what you need to do and prioritise. Delegate jobs to those you can.

Keep breathing!

Don’t let society’s or your own personal idea of the ‘perfect’ Christmas ruin it for you. These ideals become unobtainable. Whatever you are able to do is the perfect Christmas. It’s a state of mind, not something you can see or touch.

Don’t put yourself through the wringer and miss out on what’s important – the simple moments we have that we can’t ever get back. They don’t involve stuff, that gets forgotten. They involve you being present and engaged. Those are the precious moments we treasure – laughing at silly cracker jokes!

If you couldn’t find the PERFECT gift for someone that’s ok. Maybe the perfect gift doesn’t even exist.

If you didn’t get through your to do list that’s alright, you aren’t super human. You did your best and there are only so many hours in the day.

If the turkey gets burnt you haven’t ruined Christmas.

If things start to build up….BREATH….let it go…..remember what’s important and let it go.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

In stories, books, films and the media Christmas is a time of happiness and love.

It’s a lovely image of families sitting around a fire, laughing and joking. Everyone is happy.

This isn’t always the case.

Christmas is a very expensive time of year increasing financial pressures. The well known January blues all of a sudden are a reality as people can’t afford their rent/mortgage/bills/food.

Christmas is a time where people eat, drink and be merry…but not always.

With an increase in alcohol intake comes an increase in domestic violence. Not all bruises can be seen. Not all broken bones are set in a hospital.

A time of family and love can also make people feel lost and alone. Suicidal thoughts start creeping in more and more.

You don’t need to go through the festive period alone and vulnerable. If you have concerns please phone the helplines and discuss your options. There are ALWAYS options.

Samaritans – 116 123

Domestic Abuse hotline – 0808 2000 247

Childline – 0800 1111

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

As wonderful as Christmas time can be, it can also be a time fraught with family arguments.

Something seemingly small and inconsequential to one person can be interpreted differently by someone else and in a matter of minutes a full blown heated row erupts.

Maybe you feel like someone is always putting you down or is routinely passive aggressive.

Maybe you feel like no one is listening to you and you are always being talked over.

Or maybe you find it difficult to keep your cool and find yourself becoming increasingly agitated and angry by the people around you.

An argument isn’t an inevitable conclusion.

If there is someone you know you clash with be prepared. Keep yourself in check and try not to make any put down or snarky comments.

If they say or do anything that makes you feel irritated take a deep breath and count to 4. Hold the breath for 7. Let the breath out over 8. Repeat.

When you show your annoyance or respond in kind you are giving them all the power. You, and only you, are in control of your behaviour.

So take a deep breath and choose to let go of the anger. Take control of the situation. Walk away if you are feeling like it might eacalate – not in a tantrum way but excuse yourself politely and leave. Take a moment to catch your breath, calm down and return, focusing on the other people there.

Learn to recognise how irritated or angry you are feeling and at what point you need to step away.

We tend to think we are right. That generally means someone else is wrong. That isn’t always the case. Even if it is, what is the price you are willing to pay for being right. There are times it is important to speak up and be heard. There are others when the price is too high and keeping silent or walking away is the wisest choice and takes the most self control. It’s not always easy! However, by maintaining your self control you also maintain the power.

Communication is a vital skill in life. When communicating with others it’s important to make ‘I’ statements and not ‘you’ statements.

‘I’ statements are about taking ownership and responsibility. ‘You’ statements, although potentially unintentional, blame others and pass responsibility to them. This tends to get their back up and they retaliate. At this point it’s difficult to get them to listen and understand your point of view.

You Statements’

When you never text me back you were sulking and so I sent that nasty text. You always do this.

‘I’ statements

Explain the situation, what you thought, how it made you feel and the action you took. Then say what you would prefer to happen in future.

When I never received a text back from you

I thought you were sulking

I felt really annoyed at this

So I sent you that nasty text.

I would prefer it next time if you could text me to say you are (tired or busy etc) so I’m not waiting for you to reply.

Take ownership of what you thought, how it made you feel and what you did or didn’t do.

Instead of saying:

You never listen to me.

You never help me.

You always prioritise other people.

Try saying:

When I am talking I don’t think you are listening to me. This makes me feel (hurt, angry etc) and I then (go quiet, stomp off etc). I would prefer it if when I’m talking you could look at me and respond. That way I think you hear what I’m saying and understand.

It may sound long winded initially but it soon becomes habit. It allows you ti communicate how you’re feeling and what you would prefer the person to do in the least antagonistic way. You want them to take on board what you’re saying not get defensive and go on the attack.

Good luck! Contact me if you need any further information or advice.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

It’s December and that means festive gatherings….lots of them!

It’s Christmas party season and that can involve a lot of nights out with friends or colleagues. It may also be the time for meeting up with family for a catch up and to exchange Christmas presents.

For those of us who love socialising this is the season where there is a social event around every corner – hurray!

For those of us who are more introverted or have social anxiety this is the season of nightmares.

So how does someone who struggles in social situations cope during the festive season?

Life is a balancing act – too much of something and not enough of something else can lead to problems. The festive season is no different.

Too many social engagements and not enough time to recharge can leave you burnt out, overwhelmed and ready to find a cave go hide in. Try balancing your time to the ratio you need – 50/50 could work for some, others may need 20% social engagements and 80% private time. Do what works for you.

When in social situations, if you find yourself getting increasingly anxious you are not alone.

Experiencing a rapid heart rate, cheeks getting flushed, sweating, dizziness, stumbling over words are a few of the symptoms of social anxiety.

To the person it can feel like everyone is noticing and judging them for it. They then start getting anxious about their anxiety symptoms.

They become so focused on their symptoms they stop paying attention, look distracted, avoid eye contact and/or withdraw from the conversation. People do notice but not what you think they do. They become aware of the persons lack of engagement and their body language, flow of the conversation and tone becomes strained – they think you aren’t interested in talking to them.

The best advice – get OUT of your head.

Everyone has said something that sounds silly – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been embarrassed at some point – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been tongue tied or not known what to say – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been anxious about people not liking them at some point- we’ve all been there.

Stay present. Listen and hear what people are saying. Don’t worry about being judged. Don’t overthink what to say. Be you. You is good enough. Not everyone is going to like you, regardless of what you say or do and that’s ok – you don’t like everyone you meet either. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

You’ve booked your first therapy session…

Maybe you’ve had therapy before maybe it’s your first time.

You might be excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, panicking….it’s normal.

Any time we do something new, something out of our comfort zone, something that makes us vulnerable it’s totally normal and healthy to experience a wide range of emotions. Some may feel good and others may leave you questioning if you’ve made the right decision.

This is part of the therapeutic process.

To debunk some of the myths and reduce some of your possible fears I’d like to talk about what happens during the first session.

I always look out for new clients. Even if you know the area it’s always nerve wracking meeting someone new and that can make locating places more challenging.

I’m a very warm and friendly person so the first thing you will see is me with a big smile! At this point you know I’m a real person and I’m not scary or intimidating (not even a tiny bit!).

I will show you where my therapy room is and we can sit, relax and have a chat.

There is no scary discussion. You don’t share anything you aren’t ready to talk about.

The first session is about getting to know each other. We are forming a therapeutic relationship.

I talk about what CBT is and how therapy works.

I will ask you what you hope to achieve during therapy.

I will ask you if you are happy to share a brief account of what made you decide to come to therapy.

I will then relate that information back to CBT and how specifically it can help you.

I will ask if you have any questions or concerns and we can chat about it.

And that is the end of the first session. If you want to book another session we can. If you want to process what was discussed that’s no problem. If you feel like your not ready to proceed that’s totally understandable. If you would like to chat to other therapists to find the perfect fit that’s absolutely fine.

It’s your therapy, I follow your lead.

There’s no pressure or expectations.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Lots of things come down to money. It’s a fact of life, whether we like it or not.

When we really need something this can cause problems if our finances are stretched or we simply can’t afford it.

What happens if you are going through a difficult time and counselling or psychotherapy could really help but you don’t have the money?

The NHS is always an option. You can vsit your GP and ask for a referral.

Unfortunately, waiting list times can be long. You can’t choose your therapist. You can’t choose how many sessions you have. You are usually offered 6 sessions, but for more complex issues 6 is not enough.

That leaves you with private therapy.

• You decide who your therapist will be.
• You decide how many sessions you want.
• You decide on the frequency of your sessions.
• Session times are more flexible and often include evenings and weekends.

In the first session I always discuss with clients how many sessions they would like and if there are any restrictions – time, money etc. It’s imperative to me that my clients get the most out of the time they have available, whether that’s 2 sessions or 20.

Some of my clients want weekly sessions. Others prefer fortnightly or 6 weekly sessions then change to once a month or a check in session every few months. Whatever works for you works for me.

Coming back to the issue of money…

If that is holding you back it is something we can discuss. Some therapy is better than no therapy.

We spend money on a gym membership, yoga classes, healthy food and drink.

We spend money on a night out, a takeaway, new clothes, a new car etc.

When it comes to mental health people can hold back investing. This can be incredibly detrimental to your health, happiness and relationships.

Don’t wait until things build up and get too much. Don’t wait until breaking point.

Be upfront and realistic about how many sessions you would like and tell your therapist. That way the sessions can be maximised to get the most out of them, whether you are having one, six, twelve or more. Money may restrict how many you have but it doesn’t need to stop you from receiving help.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.