Month: February 2020

The other week a friend of mine posted on Facebook about what was going on in their life. They have been through a lot and were having a really tough time. Looking ahead to the next 3 or 4 months things were going to get even more challenging for them.

I was about to post a response when a few of the comments left by others caught my eye….

My friend was told:

“chin up”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

“You’ll be fine”

I understand people don’t always know what to say. They want to be supportive. They want to be positive and uplifting. They want to be a good friend or loved one. Their intentions are good.

Lesson 1

It’s totally ok not to know what to say. In fact, it’s better than ok, it can be helpful! Say to someone “I’m really sorry to hear what’s going on for you right now. I don’t know what to say.” This lets them know you are taking their difficulties seriously. You understand they are going through a difficult time. You don’t have a magic wand with fancy words to make it better but you care.

Lesson 2

We live in a society where we are constantly being told to be positive. No matter what someone is going through, be positive. This can be incredibly unhealthy. It is disregarding reality. Experiencing emotional pain is real and it is healthy. Feeling angry, upset, rejected, disappointed etc can all feel unpleasant and uncomfortable and yet they are part of the human experience. Telling someone to be positive is effectively telling them to dismiss how they authentically feel and pretend to be something else.

Lesson 3

Over the years there has been growing publicity about celebrities completing suicide. When people feel desperate or hopeless suicide can become a serious option. Don’t make light of someone’s pain and assume they will bounce back. Hopefully they will, maybe one day they won’t.

Lesson 4

There doesn’t need to be a silver lining. People feel uncomfortable when others are going through emotionally difficult situations and their gut response is to make it better by outlining why it’s actually a good thing. Please don’t. Some situations are just bad. They can cause immeasurable pain and suffering. That’s real life.

If someone is going through a difficult time reach out to them. Let them be real with you. Encourage them to open up about how things really are. Let them speak and to be honest with you. You don’t need to have any answers. You don’t need to say anything other than “I’m here, I’m listening and I care”.

Sometimes life isn’t fair.

Bad things happen. They shouldn’t, but they do.

I hear it a lot in the therapy room – why did that happen to me, it’s not fair.

I wish I could say something that would explain why it happened. I wish I could give the person hope that their worst days are behind them. Reassure them that life is sorry for what it’s put them through and from now on only good things are coming their way.

But I cant.

The only truth I can give is life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Some people get more bad things than others. Sometimes it’s temporary, other times it’s lifelong.

The person who loves to run but loses their leg.

The child who was abused sexually and grows up to be an adult believing it was their fault and they are undeserving of love.

The person who has spent their life helping other people gets diagnosed with terminal cancer.

A family are killed in a tragic car accident leaving just one of them alive.

Life isn’t fair.

So what’s the point? Why even try?

As far as we are consciously aware, we only have one life. Once it’s our time there’s no going back. Every day is precious because it’s time we will never have again. Does that mean we should be happy every day? If only! That’s not possible. Humans are designed to experience a wide range of emotions, we aren’t robots.

No matter how much you wish it, happiness isn’t given to you. It’s not external. External events can make happiness temporarily out of reach – losing a loved one, not getting the job, failing a test etc.

Sometimes the best you can hope for is contentment. Knowing you are battling your demons. Knowing you are trying, some days with greater success than others. Knowing you don’t submit. You are doing your best with what you have.

Spending the day concentrating on all the things you don’t have in life won’t make your life any better. Focusing on all the reasons you have to feel miserable and defeated won’t make you feel happy.

No matter how bad things are right now someone has it worse. In fact, there are people in the world that would love your life. That doesn’t mean you should dismiss your negative feelings. However, once in a while take a step back.

Are things really as bad as they could be? Is there anything in your life you can feel grateful for? For starters, life! How many children die at a young age through illness or tragic accidents. They will never get the opportunity to grumble about their day.

Every day you are alive you have an opportunity to make your life better. Go for a walk outside. Read a book. Listen to music. These things may seem insignificant to you, but for someone who is paralysed, blind or deaf they are impossible.

There are sometimes days, weeks, months that life feels like a continuous spiral of negative events. It’s really hard. No one is saying it’s easy. Life isn’t fair. But it isn’t meant to be fair. Life isn’t meant to be easy. There isn’t a rule book. If you have an injury you don’t get to call time for it to heal and start again like nothing happened.

Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate the small things in life because people are so focused on the absolutes – I’m miserable, all I want is to be happy, why is everyone else’s life so much better/easier than mine etc.

The bottom line – this is your life. You only have one. Don’t waste it focusing on what you don’t/can’t have and feeling sorry for yourself. Try appreciating what you have right in front of you. Spend every day being grateful for that, because one day, maybe you will no longer have it.