Month: January 2020

The other day I was reading my book and one of the statements jumped out:

“We will do more to avoid pain than we will to seek pleasure.”

I was a little taken aback. Surely that can’t be true? Surely that’s a mistake.

As I read on (about an unrelated topic) my thoughts kept coming back to it. The more I contemplated it the more I realised there is a common theme – the fear of rejection and failure. Decisions are made to avoid the potential pain of rejection and failure, rather than taking the risk in the hope of receiving pleasure.

So why as a society is everyone so scared of rejection and failure?

It doesn’t feel good!

Rejection can happen in your personal life – friends, family, relationships – and in your professional life.

It can cause anxiety, depression, anger and many other emotional issues.

fMRI studies show when we experience rejection the same areas in the brain are activated as when we feel physical pain.

When you try to remember an experience you felt physical pain it doesn’t result in you feeling physical pain. However, when you remember a painful rejection your brain responds in a similar way as it did when it happened and you will feel the same kind of negative emotions.

We are social animals and we have a need to belong. When we get rejected this destabilises that need and we feel disconnected. The rejection then threatens our self esteem.

When we are rejected romantically we look for faults within us, what we did wrong, why were weren’t good enough etc. The reality that it is more likely due to not being compatible, different lifestyles and life goals is not considered and accepted.

Rejection doesn’t need to be a life sentence.

How many times have you said to yourself or others you can’t do something because…

We say it a lot!

We don’t have enough time or money. We don’t have the ability or skill.

If only we had (insert reason) we would be able to.

I want to challenge your reason. Is that really what’s stopping you?

I was in Prague for a few days for New Year. Whilst walking across Charles Bridge I spotted a group of 4 senior gentleman playing musical instruments. They were wonderful! It was only after stopping to listen for a while I noticed the details of their instruments.

The drum beat wasn’t coming from a small drum set….

Hey presto when you don’t have a drum set you can have a board with metal on it and a pair of whisks!

It sounded fantastic! It then seemed ridiculous as to why they would cart around a drum set when this did the job perfectly.

It reminded me of holidays some years ago on the Greek islands. I was always stunned at their ingenuity at making the most beautifully colourful gardens. These islands were small and didn’t have a garden centre or shops selling gardening supplies. How then did they have gardens brimming with colour, planters and hanging baskets.

Creativity!

The blue pots above are olive oil tins which were then painted and used as flower pots. Bricks were painted multiple colours and lined up to create paths.

Each time I saw a garden I was both inspired and humbled. These days if we can’t buy something that’s the end of the line.

How often do we look deeper and think of alternatives?

How often do we look at what we already have and create something new out of it?

The next time you really want something or really want to do something but tell yourself you can’t because…challenge yourself to find a different way.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

You are walking home and it’s dark. You reach the narrow street and it’s deserted. You pause…did you hear something? Your heartbeat increases and you strain to listen…nothing.

Do you go down the narrow street or take the longer route taking an extra 10 minutes?

I’m currently reading a fascinating book by Gavin De Becker, “The Gift of Fear”. The book outlines the importance of listening to your intuition as it is our best line of defence against potential threats. This got me thinking…

What is the difference between being anxious about potential threats and being cautious?

There are people who consider every possible scenario. In this context, they consider all the different times they may be at risk or in danger, all the things that could go wrong. They will feel increasingly anxious, some to the point where they will cancel their plans to remain in the safety of their home.

Is this how to keep yourself safe?

Life is a risk. Every day we take risks. The key is to take calculated risks.

In the above example, your intuition is telling you to beware, be careful. If you ignore it you may be totally fine. Is it worth the risk? If you don’t actually need to and you could add a detour to increase your safety, is it really worth finding out?

If you do opt for the detour what does that say about you – are you sensible or a coward? Are you listening to your intuition or being held hostage by anxiety?

The difference is common sense. Ask yourself one question – is it rational to believe (insert belief) will happen? If it is rational and you are simply being cautious then you are listening to your intuition. If it’s not rational then you can challenge the belief by asking yourself WHY do you think it will happen. What is the evidence base for it? What is the evidence base against it? What does past experience tell you is the most likely scenario? If you can’t reason with the belief then you know your anxious feelings are stronger than your powers of reasoning and it’s time to talk to a friend, family member or therapist about tackling it.

What one person may consider to be a rational fear may be totally irrational to someone else.

Who decides what is rational?

When people have been the victim of a crime it can be common for them to doubt their judgement and try to reassess their risk rule book so to speak.

This is part of processing what happened. Such events change you. They give you more life experience – unwelcomed.

It can be hard to define whether your new beliefs about your safety are healthy or if what has happened is distorting reality.

With all of these situations it is important to remember you aren’t alone. You don’t need to figure everything out all at once. Talk to someone you trust. Work with a therapist who will train you how to challenge your own thoughts.

De Becker says, fear is a gift.

The key is knowing if your fear is keeping you safe or if it’s lying to you.

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

There’s a lot of 10 year posts going around and this got me thinking about how much can change in a decade!For me, the last 10 years have brought many highs and many challenges.

I graduated from my Masters degree.

I climbed my first munro (Scottish mountain).

I bought my first flat with someone then moved on and bought my first flat solo.

I tried parasailing and water skiing (it didn’t go well I tore my hamstring so badly after 5 mins I wasn’t allowed to walk on my leg for 2 months!)

I did my first ever long distance walk (the West Highland Way from Glasgow to Fort William).

I did my first wild camp which was also my first solo wild camp.

I graduated with my Postgraduate Diploma and opened my Private Practice, Cognitive Vitality.

There were moments I felt weak – mentally and physically. Those are my proudest moments because I never gave up. Those are the moments that define you. It’s easy to succeed when life is going to plan. When you get hit by an unexpected curveball, that’s when it matters.

Along the way I’ve made some lifelong friends and learned some very important life lessons.

Walking up the cobbler (a scottish hill) 7 months after major surgery I learned that to get to the top, all you need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. No matter how long it takes, no matter how tired you are, one foot in front of the other will get you to your destination.

Taking a day trip over to the isle of Bute and climbing an unknown hill on my own I was feeling way out of my comfort zone. I kept wondering if I was lost and where had I left my sanity! I got to the top and could have cried with happiness. It was one of the smallest hills I’ve done but that day I left the hill top a more confident and courageous individual.

Getting to the top of Reither Spitze was one of the most rewarding walks I’ve ever done. It showed me that all the work I’d done for a year getting fitter really paid off.

The day I decided to do my first wild camp was raining and windy. Everyone thought I was mad! But I knew it was the right time for me so off I went. I woke up in the morning to the most beautiful sunrise – nothing could beat that memory. I had done it. On my own. Survived! And loved every minute of it.

Looking back, each event challenged me in different ways, making me into the person I am today.

2020 awaits!

What will the next 10 years bring…I look forward to finding out!

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Hello 2020!

A new year brings so much hope of new possibilities.It’s a time for relefection and evaluation.

Is your life the way you want it?

Life is a balance. There are 3 internal elements and 4 external elements.Internal

• Mind
• Heart
• Health

External

• Work
• Social
• Family
• Fun

Do you have the right balance tor a happy, healthy and fulfilling life?If you do,what do you want to achieve this year? How are you going to do it?If you don’t, that’s ok.

Now’s the time to do it.

What areas do you think need work? How are you going to make the changes? How will you know once you’ve achieved it?

When deciding what you are doing right and what you need to change remember this isn’t a blame game. It’s not about self assassination and looking at what areas you are failing – not in the slightest.

Have compassion for yourself.

This is the opportunity to learn and grow. Make changes to give yourself the most rewarding life possible.If there are areas in your life which are imbalanced but, for whatever reason, they cannot be changed then consider how you can change the areas you do have control over to help you cope and build resilience.

It’s a new year. So much is possible if you decide what you want and plan the steps on how to achieve it.You may not achieve it overnight.You may not achieve it next month or by the end of the year even.But think on this, how satisfying would it be this time next year knowing you are closer to the life you want because of the choices you made in 2020.Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Some people love making new year’s resolutions every year. Other people think it’s a waste of time.

I’m in the former category. I love it!

Every year I reflect back on what I had hoped to achieve. Did I do it? If I didn’t, did I choose to focus on something else? Do I still want to achieve it? Was there anything stopping me and has that now been resolved?

It’s a very uplifting experience for me. It’s so easy to get bogged down with life and never stop to see how far you’ve come. This is my time to identify all I’ve accomplished and be proud of that. It allows me time to re-evaluate what I want out of life and see if my current actions are helping or harming my chance of success.

This year one of my resolutions was to walk up a munro (a mountain in Scotland). I didn’t manage it until September but wow what a feeling! A lot of hard work went into getting fit again after having a number of obstacles to overcome but I did it.

Another was to solo wild camp on a mountain. The day I chose was TORRENTIAL rain! The mud was half way up my calf and I couldn’t see a thing. The following morning….well….what can I say…it was worth it!

My other main one was to stay overnight in a bothy (a Scottish mountain hut). This hasn’t happened this year and that’s ok! I stopped and had lunch in one and loved it. I’m one step closer …maybe next year will be the year…who knows!

New year’s resolutions keep me focused. They let me reset my course and keep moving me closer to what I want out of life. They encourage me to get out of my comfort zone and try new experiences.

Good luck! Contact me if you need support or guidance.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.