Month: December 2019

It’s the last weekend before Christmas. For some it will be a magical time and for others total chaos.

Last minute christmas shopping

Crowds

Too many people to meet up with and not enough time

Getting the home ready for visitors

Wrapping presents

Family arguments

The list could go on and on….

Rushing about trying to fit it all in can be incredibly stressful and overwhelming.

Unfortunately, I can’t decrease your to do list. I can’t give you more hours in the day. I can’t make you super human so you can flash through everything.

I can remind you to breath. It sounds too simple to be helpful, surely!

There is a difference between being focused and productive and the alternative, being overwhelmed and stressed.

When we are running about doing a million things we start to focus our thoughts on what we still have to do, the lack of time we have and how we won’t get everything done. This triggers a stress response within the body. Emotionally we can feel anxious, worried, stressed, helpless etc. The stress response floods our body with adrenaline increasing our heart rate, making it harder to concentrate, sweating, feeling nauseous etc.

I can’t change what you have to do but I can help you cope with it better.

BREATH….

Stop for 5 minutes.

Breath in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This action tells the body there is no threat. With no threat there is no need for the stress response and it will stop pumping your body full of adrenaline.

Write down what you need to do and prioritise. Delegate jobs to those you can.

Keep breathing!

Don’t let society’s or your own personal idea of the ‘perfect’ Christmas ruin it for you. These ideals become unobtainable. Whatever you are able to do is the perfect Christmas. It’s a state of mind, not something you can see or touch.

Don’t put yourself through the wringer and miss out on what’s important – the simple moments we have that we can’t ever get back. They don’t involve stuff, that gets forgotten. They involve you being present and engaged. Those are the precious moments we treasure – laughing at silly cracker jokes!

If you couldn’t find the PERFECT gift for someone that’s ok. Maybe the perfect gift doesn’t even exist.

If you didn’t get through your to do list that’s alright, you aren’t super human. You did your best and there are only so many hours in the day.

If the turkey gets burnt you haven’t ruined Christmas.

If things start to build up….BREATH….let it go…..remember what’s important and let it go.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

In stories, books, films and the media Christmas is a time of happiness and love.

It’s a lovely image of families sitting around a fire, laughing and joking. Everyone is happy.

This isn’t always the case.

Christmas is a very expensive time of year increasing financial pressures. The well known January blues all of a sudden are a reality as people can’t afford their rent/mortgage/bills/food.

Christmas is a time where people eat, drink and be merry…but not always.

With an increase in alcohol intake comes an increase in domestic violence. Not all bruises can be seen. Not all broken bones are set in a hospital.

A time of family and love can also make people feel lost and alone. Suicidal thoughts start creeping in more and more.

You don’t need to go through the festive period alone and vulnerable. If you have concerns please phone the helplines and discuss your options. There are ALWAYS options.

Samaritans – 116 123

Domestic Abuse hotline – 0808 2000 247

Childline – 0800 1111

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

As wonderful as Christmas time can be, it can also be a time fraught with family arguments.

Something seemingly small and inconsequential to one person can be interpreted differently by someone else and in a matter of minutes a full blown heated row erupts.

Maybe you feel like someone is always putting you down or is routinely passive aggressive.

Maybe you feel like no one is listening to you and you are always being talked over.

Or maybe you find it difficult to keep your cool and find yourself becoming increasingly agitated and angry by the people around you.

An argument isn’t an inevitable conclusion.

If there is someone you know you clash with be prepared. Keep yourself in check and try not to make any put down or snarky comments.

If they say or do anything that makes you feel irritated take a deep breath and count to 4. Hold the breath for 7. Let the breath out over 8. Repeat.

When you show your annoyance or respond in kind you are giving them all the power. You, and only you, are in control of your behaviour.

So take a deep breath and choose to let go of the anger. Take control of the situation. Walk away if you are feeling like it might eacalate – not in a tantrum way but excuse yourself politely and leave. Take a moment to catch your breath, calm down and return, focusing on the other people there.

Learn to recognise how irritated or angry you are feeling and at what point you need to step away.

We tend to think we are right. That generally means someone else is wrong. That isn’t always the case. Even if it is, what is the price you are willing to pay for being right. There are times it is important to speak up and be heard. There are others when the price is too high and keeping silent or walking away is the wisest choice and takes the most self control. It’s not always easy! However, by maintaining your self control you also maintain the power.

Communication is a vital skill in life. When communicating with others it’s important to make ‘I’ statements and not ‘you’ statements.

‘I’ statements are about taking ownership and responsibility. ‘You’ statements, although potentially unintentional, blame others and pass responsibility to them. This tends to get their back up and they retaliate. At this point it’s difficult to get them to listen and understand your point of view.

You Statements’

When you never text me back you were sulking and so I sent that nasty text. You always do this.

‘I’ statements

Explain the situation, what you thought, how it made you feel and the action you took. Then say what you would prefer to happen in future.

When I never received a text back from you

I thought you were sulking

I felt really annoyed at this

So I sent you that nasty text.

I would prefer it next time if you could text me to say you are (tired or busy etc) so I’m not waiting for you to reply.

Take ownership of what you thought, how it made you feel and what you did or didn’t do.

Instead of saying:

You never listen to me.

You never help me.

You always prioritise other people.

Try saying:

When I am talking I don’t think you are listening to me. This makes me feel (hurt, angry etc) and I then (go quiet, stomp off etc). I would prefer it if when I’m talking you could look at me and respond. That way I think you hear what I’m saying and understand.

It may sound long winded initially but it soon becomes habit. It allows you ti communicate how you’re feeling and what you would prefer the person to do in the least antagonistic way. You want them to take on board what you’re saying not get defensive and go on the attack.

Good luck! Contact me if you need any further information or advice.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

It’s December and that means festive gatherings….lots of them!

It’s Christmas party season and that can involve a lot of nights out with friends or colleagues. It may also be the time for meeting up with family for a catch up and to exchange Christmas presents.

For those of us who love socialising this is the season where there is a social event around every corner – hurray!

For those of us who are more introverted or have social anxiety this is the season of nightmares.

So how does someone who struggles in social situations cope during the festive season?

Life is a balancing act – too much of something and not enough of something else can lead to problems. The festive season is no different.

Too many social engagements and not enough time to recharge can leave you burnt out, overwhelmed and ready to find a cave go hide in. Try balancing your time to the ratio you need – 50/50 could work for some, others may need 20% social engagements and 80% private time. Do what works for you.

When in social situations, if you find yourself getting increasingly anxious you are not alone.

Experiencing a rapid heart rate, cheeks getting flushed, sweating, dizziness, stumbling over words are a few of the symptoms of social anxiety.

To the person it can feel like everyone is noticing and judging them for it. They then start getting anxious about their anxiety symptoms.

They become so focused on their symptoms they stop paying attention, look distracted, avoid eye contact and/or withdraw from the conversation. People do notice but not what you think they do. They become aware of the persons lack of engagement and their body language, flow of the conversation and tone becomes strained – they think you aren’t interested in talking to them.

The best advice – get OUT of your head.

Everyone has said something that sounds silly – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been embarrassed at some point – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been tongue tied or not known what to say – we’ve all been there.

Everyone has been anxious about people not liking them at some point- we’ve all been there.

Stay present. Listen and hear what people are saying. Don’t worry about being judged. Don’t overthink what to say. Be you. You is good enough. Not everyone is going to like you, regardless of what you say or do and that’s ok – you don’t like everyone you meet either. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.