Month: November 2019

You’ve booked your first therapy session…

Maybe you’ve had therapy before maybe it’s your first time.

You might be excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, panicking….it’s normal.

Any time we do something new, something out of our comfort zone, something that makes us vulnerable it’s totally normal and healthy to experience a wide range of emotions. Some may feel good and others may leave you questioning if you’ve made the right decision.

This is part of the therapeutic process.

To debunk some of the myths and reduce some of your possible fears I’d like to talk about what happens during the first session.

I always look out for new clients. Even if you know the area it’s always nerve wracking meeting someone new and that can make locating places more challenging.

I’m a very warm and friendly person so the first thing you will see is me with a big smile! At this point you know I’m a real person and I’m not scary or intimidating (not even a tiny bit!).

I will show you where my therapy room is and we can sit, relax and have a chat.

There is no scary discussion. You don’t share anything you aren’t ready to talk about.

The first session is about getting to know each other. We are forming a therapeutic relationship.

I talk about what CBT is and how therapy works.

I will ask you what you hope to achieve during therapy.

I will ask you if you are happy to share a brief account of what made you decide to come to therapy.

I will then relate that information back to CBT and how specifically it can help you.

I will ask if you have any questions or concerns and we can chat about it.

And that is the end of the first session. If you want to book another session we can. If you want to process what was discussed that’s no problem. If you feel like your not ready to proceed that’s totally understandable. If you would like to chat to other therapists to find the perfect fit that’s absolutely fine.

It’s your therapy, I follow your lead.

There’s no pressure or expectations.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Lots of things come down to money. It’s a fact of life, whether we like it or not.

When we really need something this can cause problems if our finances are stretched or we simply can’t afford it.

What happens if you are going through a difficult time and counselling or psychotherapy could really help but you don’t have the money?

The NHS is always an option. You can vsit your GP and ask for a referral.

Unfortunately, waiting list times can be long. You can’t choose your therapist. You can’t choose how many sessions you have. You are usually offered 6 sessions, but for more complex issues 6 is not enough.

That leaves you with private therapy.

• You decide who your therapist will be.
• You decide how many sessions you want.
• You decide on the frequency of your sessions.
• Session times are more flexible and often include evenings and weekends.

In the first session I always discuss with clients how many sessions they would like and if there are any restrictions – time, money etc. It’s imperative to me that my clients get the most out of the time they have available, whether that’s 2 sessions or 20.

Some of my clients want weekly sessions. Others prefer fortnightly or 6 weekly sessions then change to once a month or a check in session every few months. Whatever works for you works for me.

Coming back to the issue of money…

If that is holding you back it is something we can discuss. Some therapy is better than no therapy.

We spend money on a gym membership, yoga classes, healthy food and drink.

We spend money on a night out, a takeaway, new clothes, a new car etc.

When it comes to mental health people can hold back investing. This can be incredibly detrimental to your health, happiness and relationships.

Don’t wait until things build up and get too much. Don’t wait until breaking point.

Be upfront and realistic about how many sessions you would like and tell your therapist. That way the sessions can be maximised to get the most out of them, whether you are having one, six, twelve or more. Money may restrict how many you have but it doesn’t need to stop you from receiving help.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

18th to 24 November 2019 is Scotland’s week long book party and this year the theme is Blether #BookWeekScotland.

So what is a blether?

A blether is simply a warm and friendly chat. It can be about anything!

It may not seem very important on the surface but a good blether can be life changing.

Lets say you’ve had a long and tiring day. You’re waiting at the bus stop and the bus is late. It’s pouring with rain and freezing cold. You are feeling…I’m guessing pretty miserable! Someone else is standing next to you and before you know it you are both blethering about your summer holidays, or a good meal you had in town, about your dogs….very soon you stop feeling so miserable; you are now chatting and laughing.

Lets say you are sitting on a train on your way to an interview. You are feeling nervous, worried and panicky. The person sitting opposite comments on what a lovely day it is. You haven’t even noticed you’ve been so concerned about the interview. You reply to be polite but after a few minutes you are talking about your interview and this kind stranger listens, offering support. You start to relax and the conversation changes to talk about a wedding they are going to….20 minutes later you leave the train. You are nervous and worried but after the chat you feel slightly lighter.

Lets say you are sitting on a park bench and there is someone next to you. You start chatting about the flowers or the changing seasons. Maybe you talk about the approaching festive season. 10 minutes later you continue on your way. The person could have been sitting there feeling alone in the world. Maybe they had a fight with their partner, been let go at work, lost a loved one or are worrying about how to pay their rent next week. Your 10 minute blether could have been the only good thing to happen to them that day.

Having a cup of tea and a blether with a friend can sometimes be the only therapy you need! Between the two of you and a slice of carrot cake you can put the world to rights.

We have no idea what is going on in other peoples lives. We have no idea what they are going through. It could be something wonderful and they are thrilled to shout it from the rooftops. It could be something bad and they are lost and upset. It could be a normal day but talking to you makes their day a tiny bit better.

At the end of the day, having a blether with a friend or loved one, a neighbour or acquaintance or maybe a total stranger can be the difference between them feeling alone and feeling someone cares.

A good blether can help us through a tough time, give us the confidence to overcome a hurdle or just put a smile on our face at the end of a long day.

So next time you are sitting or standing next to someone and you have a free 2 minutes have a blether….about anything. Make a differnce to their day. Make a difference to your day. That could be all the difference that’s needed.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

One of the most common things I hear in therapy is “But I should be able to cope.”

It doesn’t matter what it’s about – trauma, grief, relationships ending, work deadlines, social anxiety, depression….the list is endless.

People assume they should be able to cope. No matter what the circumstances. No matter what else is going on in their lives. It doesn’t seem to matter; they should be able to manage.

When they start to feel overwhelmed, emotional or low they blame themselves, it must be a sign they are weak, they should be able to handle it better.

When was the last time you said that to yourself?

When was the last time you berated yourself for not managing to cope?

From time to time we all do it, even those trained to know better. The other day I had what felt like a million things to do and very little time and I could feel myself starting to get stressed about it. I heard myself say “oh for goodness sake you should be able to cope better than this.”

Thankfully, my next thought was “wait a minute! I’ve got a lot to do today it’s natural that I would feel a little stressed. Cut yourself some slack.”

A few years ago I watched a video on YouTube of a Psychologist and Lecturer talking to a group of students. She held out a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is the glass?”

The students answered according to different weights trying to guess. The Psychologist responded “it depends on how long you are holding it.”

In the beginning it might feel relatively light but after an hour….3 hours….6 hours….it won’t be feeling light anymore.

How does that relate to life?

When you are going through something and it doesn’t resolve in a short period of time it becomes more and more difficult to cope with. That isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a fact of life. The longer you have to hold on to something the tougher it gets. It doesn’t make you weak, not at all.

Would you judge the person holding the glass of water for needing a break? Would you judge them for needing someone to say “let me help you carry the weight”?

That’s what happens in therapy.

The therapist empathises with your situation and says “let me help you manage the weight”.

It could be stress at work, or the loss of a loved one. Maybe it’s lots of little things that together feel like an unbearable load. Whatever it is, therapy is there to help you cope. You’ve been carrying it yourself for so long, it’s time to let someone help you.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

When you look at the photo what do you see?

It may look like a fit and strong person at the top of a hill (Geal-charn Mor).

Does it look like I struggled? Of course not! With big smiles it looks like I belong on that mountain top.

Would that be accurate?

Since it’s me in the photo taken yesterday let me answer that with a “I wish!”.

The reality is I nearly cancelled going….a number of times!

I had an incredibly busy, productive and full on week. By Friday night I was shattered! I fell into bed after spending the evening doing much needed paperwork and thought “what on earth am I thinking planning Geal-charn Mor tomorrow!”

I must have contemplated messaging my friend a dozen times during the week to cancel the walk. I was knackered, had slept badly all week and I hadn’t a clue where my hill walking gear was – not the best start. It had been 8 weeks since I had been on a good walk, never mind a hill walk. I was going to pay for that!

All week I thought about how I wouldn’t manage it. Every step was going to be killing. And after all of the hard work walking up I knew I wouldn’t succeed in getting to the top.

I knew I wouldn’t succeed….how did I know?

I don’t have a glass ball and given my accuracy on how films turn out I would say my fortune telling skills are seriously lacking! And yet apparently I knew, without a doubt, that I wouldn’t manage it.

At that point the CBT Psychotherapist in my head turned on and said STOP!

“What evidence have you got that you won’t manage to get to the summit?”

“What evidence have you got that you might manage it?”

“Is the only reason I’m doing the walk to get to the summit?”

“Would it be the end of the world if I had to turn back?”

“What are the benefits of going on the walk and turning back early?”

Thank goodness for my inner therapist.

I reminded myself why I was going on the walk – to enjoy time with my friend doing our favourite hobby surrounded by the cairngorm mountain range. Getting to the summit was merely the point we turn around and go back to the car.

Was I really going to ruin all of that for myself listening to my self doubt?

So I packed my bag, drove to Aviemore to meet my friend, donned the walking boots and we set off.

Wow! Hello bly sky, sunshine, autumn colours and a sprinkling of snow…it was heaven!

What a day! It was absolutely spectacular.

And yes….I got to the summit! Big happy smiles!

Was it easy? No! Within 5 minutes my heels started to rub at the back of my walking boots. The 8 week break meant the skin was now soft and delicate. 10 minutes later I had 2 blisters on my left heel which were sore. Around that time my hip flexors decided they didn’t want to carry my heavy rucksack up the hill and if I wanted to continue they were going to be very painful – all the way up and all the way down.

You can’t see all that in the photos!

And yet the smiles are genuine. The sheer delight and happiness is real. I felt on top of the world. I loved every minute of it! Yes it would have been ideal without the heels and hip flexors causing grief but I chose not to let that steal the magic of the day.

If I had listened to my self doubt I would have talked myself out of even attempting it. What happens when another few weeks go by and I still have a lot on, would I have thought my chances of success would have been higher then – no chance.

We all have moments of self doubt. We all question our abilities. We all hear the voice that says “you won’t be able to do this”. The difference between the people who succeed and those that don’t even try is the former challenges the voice and says “watch me try my hardest”. That is how they conquer challenges – they keep trying until they succeed.

So the next time you hear the voice of self doubt, answer it back with your own challenge to succeed and enjoy trying.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

You blink and summer’s over. You blink again and it’s bonfire night. All of a sudden it’s time for the Christmas shoe box appeal. How did that happen already?

Every year my mum and I make up Christmas boxes together – our tradition.

This year I was smugly patting myself on the back at how organised we were ordering everything so far in advance. Here was me thinking this year we had nailed it, better than all the previous years….

Until my mum checked the drop off date only to find out it was last week…

So much for organised!

Thankfully I spoke to Blythswood today and they confirmed we had another week for the final drop off – PHEW!

And so the night of being knee deep in toys, hats, scarves, pens, crayons, notebooks, jewellery…(it’s a long list) commenced.

This could have become very stressful. A 14 week old puppy running around like he was in Aladdin’s cave and two very tired humans trying to decide which box gets what.

Thankfully we didn’t let it. We chose not to get stressed and overwhelmed. Instead, we chose to take a deep breath and enjoy it.

This is something we love doing every year. It makes us feel happy knowing someone, somewhere, will get to open a mysterious box full of fun and exciting things at Christmas. If we didn’t do it, it would be one less box for someone in need.

We can’t change their life. We can’t take away their hardships. We can’t remove their pain.

We CAN let them know someone out there in the world, a total stranger, cares enough about them to send it. I hope it makes them smile. I hope for a moment in time their life feels a little brighter. We can’t do much but we can do that.

This year we once again made 16 Christmas shoe boxes – 3 for babies, 5 for girls, 4 for boys, 3 for women and 1 for a man. We were aiming to beat last year’s (we can be rather competitive!) but settled for jam packed boxes bursting at the seams. There’s always next year!

Christmas shoe box appeal 2019

You can find information about the Christmas shoe box appeal on Blythswood’s website click here.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Today is National Stress Awareness Day.

Everyone has experienced stress in their lives. It is a fact of life, an every day occurrence, a normal and healthy part of life.

For some it is an unpleasant passing experience. For others it can persist, seriously impacting their daily life causing anxiety and/or depression.

What is stress?

Stress is the body’s response to a trigger – an event which causes a reaction. The trigger could be meeting someone new, a report due at work, giving a presentation, having an argument etc.

The body responds to stress with a mental, physical and emotional reaction. This is also known as the fight or flight response. The brain releases adrenaline causing a number of symptoms: racing thoughts, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, muscles tense and shaking.

Stress – the good

Although symptoms can feel unpleasant, the body’s stress response does have advantages.

Stress keeps us alert, motivated and safe in times of danger. Studies have even shown short term stress boosts the immune system.

If you have an approaching deadline you may be familiar with the physical symptoms of stress. You may also recognise it is those symptoms which motivated you to focus on getting the job done. If you look at the time and realise you’re going to miss the bus it’s the stress response which gets you moving (or running!).

Once you’ve met the deadline or caught the bus the body starts to relax, the threat has passed. You unwind mentally, physically and emotionally.

Stress – the bad

So when does stress go from being helpful to a hindrance?

In between stressors the body needs time to relax. Without that relief problems can develop.

When faced with continuous challenges with little time to step back the body starts to struggle. This can also occur if the time in between stressors isn’t quality relaxation time, allowing you to switch off and regroup.

When this happens your body finds it increasingly difficult to cope with stressors, pulling you further and further down. Your body becomes increasingly distressed, disrupting the internal equilibrium and causing a number of different side effects.

The physical symptoms can include: an upset stomach, acid reflux, headaches, dizziness, elevated blood pressure, chest pain, muscle tightness, fatigue, insomnia and sexual dysfunction.

Emotionally it can lead to worry, anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

Stress – the ugly

Studies have shown chronic stress significantly effects the immune system resulting in illness.

Studies have also shown there is a correlation between stress and the 6 leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

The solution – make stress your friend

Does that sound crazy? How can you possibly make something which can kill you your friend!

What is important to remember is the stress response isn’t harmful. Not taking time out in between stressors to let the body restore its equilibrium is harmful.

So how do you keep yourself healthy? It’s relatively easy!

• Exercise
• Relaxation breathing
• Meditation
• Spend time outside (go for a walk or gardening)
• Spend time enjoying a hobby
• Get support from your friends and family
• Speak to a therapist to learn about warning signs, how to manage your stress better or to offload

A few years ago Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford Psychologist, discussed the very interesting findings of new research about stress:

“Viewing stress as harmful leads people to cope in ways that are less helpful, whether it’s getting drunk to “release” stress, procrastinating to avoid stress, or imagining worst-case scenarios. One study found that simply having the goal to avoid stress increased the long-term risk of outcomes like depression, divorce and getting fired, by increasing people’s reliance on harmful coping strategies.

In contrast, viewing stress more positively seems to encourage people to cope in ways that help them thrive, whether it’s tackling the source of stress, seeking social support or finding meaning in it.

The three most protective beliefs about stress are: 1) to view your body’s stress response as helpful, not debilitating – for example, to view stress as energy you can use; 2) to view yourself as able to handle, and even learn and grow from, the stress in your life; and 3) to view stress as something that everyone deals with, and not something that proves how uniquely screwed up you or your life is.”

Click on the video below to listen to Kelly McGonigal discuss the research in more detail.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.

Last week a friend of mine posted on facebook one of the greatest understandings of self worth I have ever seen.

She referred to the saying many of us have been told, read about and maybe even said to others: “Treat others like you would want to be treated.”

What was exceptional about her post was she moved beyond the quote, expanding and enhancing the meaning to incorporate a deeper appreciation of self respect and self worth.

“Treat yourself like you want to be treated. Show people an example of what you will or won’t accept.”

On the surface this may sound like a minor adjustment. It sounds almost the same…but it’s not.

We are often so busy thinking of others, prioritising their wants and needs we forget about our own. The focus is on other people, not ourselves.

Does that make us selfless?

Does balancing the focus to include ourselves make us selfish?

How do people decide how to treat you? Is it how they themselves want to be treated? Is it what they can get away with? Is it how you treat them? Do you set the tone?

If we lose ourselves thinking about other people, prioritising ourselves last is it then understandable why other people will do the same?

So what’s the solution?

If we start thinking about what we need for ourselves and acting upon it, whilst also taking into consideration other people, I don’t see that as selfless or selfish. To me, that’s self care – an essential component for a happy and healthy life.

If you want others to respect you, learn to respect yourself. If you want compassion, learn to demonstrate self compassion. If you want kindness, learn to show yourself kindness, understanding, empathy….the list goes on.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? This could be anything from reading the paper or a magazine with a cup of coffee, having a relaxing bath, going to a gym class or for a walk, meeting friends to have a catch up and a laugh?

If we act on what we need we are paving the way to show other people how we want to be treated. People aren’t mind readers and as much as we wish they would just “get it” they often don’t. Maybe they try to, maybe they don’t but we can’t blame them for not intuitively knowing.

If other people see you looking after your needs they are more likely to respect your actions and start considering your needs as well as their own. The better care you take of yourself the higher the bar you are setting and people will start to respect that standard. The opposite is also true. If you always put your needs last others are more likely to do the same. You are teaching them that’s what you want and what you expect.

Something to reflect on – what standards do you have for how people treat you? How did you decide what is and isn’t acceptable? How did you convey those standards to other people? Do you treat others as you wish to be treated? Do you allow others to treat you better or worse than they treat themselves?

Contact me if you would like help deciding what your standards are and how to implement them.

Written by Julia Donald at Cognitive Vitality Psychotherapy in Inverness.